Being miserable & treating everyone else like dirt is every New Yorkers God given right!
Z100 NYC Radio Slogan
Only in America could Michael Jackson, a poor black boy, grow up to be a rich white woman.
Dennis Miller
One of New York's first governors, Edward Hyde 1702 - 1708, was notorious for appearing in public in his wife cloths & makeup. New Yorkers were finally forced to petition the Queen for a new Governor, but not before Eddy had set the precedent for strange behavior in this city.
Nowadays, down at Kaptain Banana, The Club With A-Peel, you can catch Peach Melba, & the lovely Creme Brule' along with their singing gorilla, strip down to nothing. It may come as a shock about then that beautiful Ms. Melba, lovely Ms. Brule', AND the gorilla, are actually middle aged men.
Now say your a middle aged man in New York looking for a change in your middle life but parading down Park Avenue looking like Mae West is not your cup of tea. Well your in luck buddy cause New York
offers a wealth of opportunities to change who you are.
Lets say you start off the day with a nice hair transplant, that's someone else's hair sewn to your head, then maybe a dental implant & a seaweed pack. More chins than a Chinese phone book? Then how bout a chin tuck. Too short? Get your knees stretched, elevator heels, & even a silicone head plant under that new hair may add inches. Speaking of which, why not get the old penis lengthened while your at it. An operation which is "impossible to explain over the phone" I was told. If something's still missing there are contact lenses that look like 8 balls, tattoos by 'Anil', & body piercing by Jon W Cobb, Nothing like a ring in the nose or navel to attract the ladies, I always say.
And speaking of ladies, there's plenty of help here for you girls too. You can now run downtown for a little Computer Imagining, that just may suggest a radical nose sculpting, or body contouring by liposuction. Perhaps a breast enlargement will make you the woman you always wanted to be. You can have a hair weave, again, someone else's hair sewn into yours. You can have your face lifted till your ears meet & your eyelids stretched, or, if you have an aversion to being carved like the Christmas turkey, there are non-surgical methods like the new plastic 'Face Tightner' a device that one places sideways in the mouth while sleeping, & presto, next morning your cheeks are stretched like tennis rackets. And speaking of cheeks, if that old butt is sagging to the back of your knees why not have that tush tucked up. You can have your hair relaxed, or removed forever at 'Hair Be Gone'. You can be hypnotized to stop smoking, or start enjoying sex. You can join Core Energetic Exercise or Bio-Energetic Self Help class. How bout a little painless laser electrolysis, while having a Psychic Reading while waiting for the Astrological Mating Service to find your perfect date.
An 'Abstract Tribal Tattoo', having your demons cast out, or getting your bottom spanked, may be what's missing & there is a service for all of that. If your apt is dirty call the 'Buff Club', who will send over a energetic team of young men & women that will tidy up the place...in the nude. Or just order up a 'nubile young slave' from Nice Guy Services. If your rich & you hate your relatives you can 'make Alex your beneficiary.'
You can have your breasts read, your teeth filed, or get beaten senseless all in the privacy of your own home.
If your lonely, perhaps an ad would find that certain someone. Something like: (Mildly Jewish SAMNS slightly off-beat Scorpio seeks open minded SWF to play 'Schoolmarm on Blacksmiths bench'. Will not accept MJM or DWJM must be cat lover no cigarettes.)
Speaking of cats, maybe your dog needs a little work before strolling through Central Park. Well here in New York you can have a limo pick up that pooch for a pedicure, shampoo & style that'll have that boy looking like a meringue' pie. You could even dye him to match your coat, or your car. Then get him a diamond collar, & his own fur coat, grab your new 'Super Duper Pooper Scooper' & your ready for that walk in the park.
So, after a long day at your Save The Manatee Workshop, you pop over to Natasha's Russian Massage for an Herbal Enema & work up a voracious appetite. Well New York's the place to eat. But bring your wallet, & your roommates wallet, & your first born, cause the Big Apple aint cheap. Whether you drop into the Chat & Chew for some Chino-Latino Pizza, or make your way down to Big Wongs, 'A Chinatown Dive' you cant go wrong. If you've been dying for some good Greek Golakroboureko Katoifi, or Moroccan Babaghanoush search no farther. Just when did you get a good Russian Karsky Shashlik in the Butte?
Now your ready for New York's famous night life. If your over 16, not to smart, & enjoy physical contact get on down to Wetlands where you might engage in a bit of head banging to the nuclear concussions of the Screaming Headless Torsos, Bio-Hazard, or Machine Head. If your real lucky Dog Food, Bad Manners, Cement Head, Ratchethead, Goose Lips, Teen Milk, or Squeal may make an appearance. If your over 21 then head down to Brownies & dive into their 'Swirling Mosh Pit' (I'm not sure what that is but somehow I feel life will continue not knowing.) to the strains of Chainsuck, The Creeps, Gray Matter, Hammer Brain, Iron Prostrate, Lab Rats, Salmon Skin, Fly Ashtray, Killer Lipstick, or Swivel Head. If your still walking then get over to The Bat Cave for Pimp Daddy, We Date Your Daughters, Marilyn Manson, Nudeswirl, Under Acme, Urban Blight, Slapmeat Johnson, Sticky Stitches & The Velvet Bulldogs.
If you like Jazz & don't mind 50.oo cover charges there's Soul Coughing, Lord Asparagus, Mary Me Jane, The Useless Playboys, & Smackmelon.
For something entirely different there's Crazy Nanny's where you can join the 'Glamorous Lesbian Clientele' grooving to Cibo Matto, two Japanese Ladies reciting cake recipes to weird electronic feedback.
Other clubs, to bizarre to mention in a family newspaper, gyrate & sweat till dawn, the music ending with a brief Sermonette.
Where, I was starting to wonder, might one find a 'normal' bar with 'normal' people when I found myself back in O Flanigans Pub sitting next to a wire-rimmed, pin-striped, yuppie looking fellow. Normal enough he seemed.
"How ya doing?" I asked......big mistake.
"Well my shrink says I have 'Attention Deficit." he said.
"A Tension Deficit? I asked "You mean your to relaxed? That's a problem?"
"No man, Attention Deficit, I can't pay attention. Well how the hell can I pay attention when I'm out of Prozac?'
"Beats me."
"Then my girlfriend wants me to sign papers that admit I'm the father of her children."
"Are you?"
"Well I donated sperm to have another woman's egg fertilized, which was place in my girlfriend...in vitro." he said.
"I see." I said though I didn't.
"My health club wants 200 per month." He continued "My lawyer wants 400.oo per hour, it costs 1000.oo per month to park the car, a wo pl.
HOMELESS IN NEW YORK
By Steve Church
My name is Willie, I am 28 years old, homeless, & dying of aids. Please don't let me die hungry.
Sign on homeless man NYC
Midnight on the number 4 subway from Greenwich village. As the florescent lit car hurtles along its dank subterranean track we, the occupants, stare at our feet trying to avoid eye contact. In the garish artificial light, being swept to our destinies, we seem more lab rat than human. No one speaks. The stale air tastes of fear.
Suddenly the door between cars slides open emitting a rank creature of the night. In the swaying car the ragged figure fights for balance & stops before us thrusting a grubby rag-wrapped hand in our faces.
"All right folks....one of New York's homeless...give what you can!"
The voice is matter of fact, as if we're expected to produce our wallets. The voice is also faltering & scratchy, young & female.
I look up at what once was a pretty face, perhaps 18 years old, someones daughter, someones little sister, now alone in the night & pretty no longer. Her hair hangs in greasy locks over a vomit stained military jacket, her eyes, from deep in blackened sockets, glow strangely yellow, results of a failing liver. Her face, once smooth & pale with youth now covered in festering lesions. Her lips cracked & bleeding like a scene from the Exorcist. A fetid cloud of decay hangs about her.
Someone else's precious baby, has joined the nightmarish ranks of New City's crack addicts. Crack cocaine has turned another flower of the future into a reeking, tunnel scuttling, scavenger.
"Why not go home to your mother, dear." I suggested.
Her eyes didn't seem to register, starring as if disconnected. Then suddenly she leapt away, eyeing me now like a wary animal. A ragged hand went deep into a ripped pocket & suddenly a paring knife flashed in front of us.
"Oh great!" I mumbled to Vic. "Great town."
The other occupants of the rumbling car quickly look away to insure their disinvolvement. We could expect no help from them, their diverted eyes were saying.
The girl swayed, knife in hand, seemingly confused on what to do. I gathered my legs beneath me, ready to spring....somewhere.
The train suddenly braked into the 59th street station, the doors sliding open with a great rush of air, & the girl raced for the platform. The doors shut behind her with a sigh of relief & off we went again.
"So how do you like our subway system so far?" asked Vic.
Vicki had told me while riding home from work on another subway, the week earlier, at one stop a crazed looking manic leapt in the crowded car, his wrist spurting blood from a fresh slash.
"I AM HOMELESS I HAVE AIDS !! GIVE ME MONEY OR I'LL SPRAY YOU IN HIV BLOOD!!"
The man was subdued, but these little indecencies certainly do liven up public transportation here in the Big Apple.
Standing in a crowd on Madison Ave, waiting for the light to change. Suddenly in the center of the crowd of perhaps 50 people, a huge black man starts screaming.
"I AM ONE OF NEW YORK'S HOMELESS!! I HAVE NOTHING!!! AND YOU ARE ALL ANIMAL KILLERS!!!"
In any crowd of 50 people on Madison Ave, 25 of them are wearing fur...the rest, leather.
"ANIMAL MURDERERS!!" KILLERS OF HARMLESS FURRY FRIENDS!!"
As you can imagine, the air was thick with tension, yet no one did a thing. No one even appeared to notice the guy, whom I thought was perhaps seconds from pulling an uzi.
Someone could self combust on a sidewalk in New York & nobody would notice, no one would get involved.
Walking down Madison Ave sidestepping 'homeless' nowadays is not unlike Captain Roger Over fighting religious salesmen through the Airport. They are everywhere, hovering about ATM machines, outside groceries. Always in your face.
So just how many homeless are there in this city, I started to wonder, finally to the point of investigation. After 2 dozen 'wrong dept.' calls I reached 'The Homeless Coalition."
"My names Church, a writer for the Crested Butte Chronicle...
"Never heard of it....
"Anyway, just how many homeless are there in New York?"
"De a lot of em"....click.
"Thank you, you been most informative."
I headed off to the library down fifth Ave...
"Hey man you got any spare change?"
"SPARE, change? Hey I work for a newspaper..."
20 feet farther...
"Give me some money mister!"
"Get a job."
"I got a job...begging to your honky ass..."
50 feet farther...
"How bout some change buddy..."
Forget it!"
"Somethin wrong with the man that cant give!" He calls after me.
"Something wrong with the man that cant work...pal" I yell back.
"Give to the homeless?" another sad face.
"Then I'll be homeless."
"So,"
In the library I find the facts. There are 100,000 homeless in New York. 10% are women, 80% are black or Hispanic. Nearly all are drug users, begging for the cost of crack rather than a room, as a Supreme Court judgment in 1981 provided free shelter for all homeless. There are also 50,000 free meals served daily from these shelters. The mayor is trying to pass a law whereupon a homeless man refuses a job or education, his free ride is up. Trouble is...there are no jobs, say the homeless, & in fact there are 310,000 people who do want to work, presently unemployed.
So how lucrative is begging?
One night in SoHo I watched a guy panhandle for two hours. I know he made 20.oo an hour. Another fellow came right out & told me,
"$200.oo a day, but hey, that's 9 hours."
So why would a guy go to work for 3.50 per hour, minimum wage, when he can knock back 20.oo per hour by just sticking his hand out?
Begging is not all big money & glamour, but the guys that don't need it are taking it away from the people that do. And there are thousands that do. On rainy, cold nights there are plenty of broken dreams huddled under cardboard & newspaper in plenty of doorways & alleys. It wrenches ones heart to see an old woman, alone in the world, scratching through trash cans to survive. Or a legless Vietnam Vet scuttling crab like through filthy, urine stinking subway tunnels, a cardboard sign & tin can strung about his neck. But New Yorkers have been hardened by the panhandlers above ground & there is little pity left for the needy.
The homeless have been a thorn in the side of administrations dating back before George Bush, who in his benevolent mercy actually invited a homeless couple to his inauguration and, get this now, even GAVE the couple the 50.oo entry tickets.
The homeless are a huge financial burden to this country, but some argue that the majority don't actually want to work. In fact most are simply to stoned to work they claim. New York city spends some 60 million a year just on detoxification units, & it is clear that figure doesn't touch the epidemic. The drug problem is certainly evident daily in New York City, take for example the case of Mr. Irving L. Surdam, who on Jan. 22 drove his 18 wheel semi truck on a wild ride through three boroughs of the city. Starting by knocking flat the toll booth on Triborough Bridge, Mr. Surdam then continued south at 75 miles per hour through rush hour traffic knocking some 15 cars out of his way. The speeding semi ripped up guard rails tore down signs, & scattered pedestrians on a '14 mile path of destruction'. Irving finally crashed into a tree, of all things, at Kennedy Airport whereupon he leapt from the truck, smashed his way into the Delta terminal, pummeled two baggage handlers, then leapt from a second story window, breaking numerous bones. Upon his arrest Mr. Surdam admitted to the police that he had taken 'a couple amphetamines.'
Now THAT, dear readers, is an amphetamine.....no wonder this place has some problems.
Steve Church
WELCOME TO NEW YORK
now DUCK!
A beautiful woman approaches Donald Trump & tells him she wants to make love to him. The Donald studies her & replies, "What's in it for me?" NYC Joke
As travel writer for the Crested Butte Chronicle I have often been ridiculed. Some people don't like my writing either. They say, "Church, you pinhead, how come you never say anything nice about a place, like for instance, New York City."
OK, here goes.
If your a gay heroin addict with a ring in your nose your gonna love New York City.
Whoa!!! Here come the letters....
However, it is in fact the cross section of people in New York that gives the place it's flavor. When your in Chinatown you may as well be in Hong Kong. When in little Italy, your-a gonna eat lasagna. It is in fact the worlds melting pot, as pointed out on cheerful subway car signs above the heads of two dozen races sourly jammed together like cattle. On a red double Decker tour bus a sign reads I AM HAPPY CAUSE I'M GOING TO HARLEM! A grinning rastaman is behind the wheel, as a dozen worried white tourists peek from the windows. I sat on one tour bus, the only occupant, while the tour guide, fresh from Argentina, screamed at me in broken English through an electric megaphone 3 feet away.
"IN OUR LEFT DE STATUTE DE LIBERDAD!!"
The cabbies are 90% Indian, or Bangladeshi or Turkish. Less than 8% are white. Nobody knows what the other 2% are. Dark brooding fellows in turbans with names like Mohammed sit behind the wheel. Behind locked doors & bullet proof glass they stare warily in the mirror. With good reason too, as 2500 cabbies a year are robbed, 25 a year killed. They speak little English, & know their way around Calcutta better than New York.
Over on 1st Ave on any block you will find Irish pubs, Chinese laundry's, Italian Pizza joints, Jewish tailors, Black soul food & Greek Deli's. All speaking their own languages, a dozen cultures co-existing....somewhat.
Every morning I visit the same little Jewish diner for breakfast. Every morning the shriveled little owner places a plate of eggs before me like they were the Mona Lisa.
"Now my boy, lookit this beautiful breakfast we make for you, now eat! eat!, what, you don't wanna grow big? Eat eat!!"
Sometimes at night we visit Boris & Natasha, a newly immigrated Russian couple Vicki has befriended. Their apt, in a dilapidated brownstone, is the size of a prison cell. One tiny window emits light on the happy couples meager belongings. In the corner a bedraggled Christmas tree still stands the 3rd week of January.
"Look at this beautiful things here I find for tree!" Beams Natasha, "Hair of silver!"
"Tinsel!" I tell her.
"Yes, yes, 'tinsel', you have so many beautiful things in America!!"
"Tell me this thing I must know Steve," Boris asks, passing the 'wodka'.
"When growing up in Russia, government always telling us America going to attack, kill every body, take over country. This was true?"
"Funny thing Boris, when I grew up our government told us the same thing about you guys!"
"In high school one time every week, all boys must go to shooting range & shoot at paper American soldier." said Boris.
"In my high school, we'd have air raid drills, everybody would file into the basement & sit for a while." I told him.
"HA! HA! HA! said Boris, "More Wodka?"
"Tell me this one thing I must know." asked Natasha " All men in Colo-rato look like...how you say....Marlboro man?"
"Yes it's true darlin, pretty much all my friends look exactly like the Marlboro man."
"IS TRUE?" Squealed Natasha " In Moscow I have many beautiful girl friend want to meet Marlboro man!!"
"Send em to the Butte dear."
For another taste of old world Europe, check out the elegant horse carriages parked in front of the Plaza Hotel. For 50 bucks the driver in tails & top-hat, will take you on a romantic clip-clop through Central Park.
One sunny afternoon I watched as one of these stylish coaches passed another. The first driver became irate ....
"HEY YOU ###**!!@%## GET BACK IN LINE!!" He was screaming...
"UP YOURS!!!!&^%%%##! The other top hat clad driver yelled back. Seconds later the two drivers commenced whipping each other, horses rearing, drivers screaming curses, tourists cowering in fear.
OK, say something nice......
If you like surly crowds of pasty-faced butt heads then you'll love New York City.......how's that?
However, if you want to escape the crowds there is always Central Park. An oasis of nature in this cement jungle.
I stood watching a family of frolicking gray squirrels, one afternoon. The only form of live nature I had seen in weeks the happy little fellows rolled & tumbled in the warm sunshine....until someone released their rotwieler on them.
OK, something nice....
New York City is the place to shop, from Tiffanies $100,000.oo baubles to the hippest fashions, you can find anything you want in the Big Apple. If you hate paying retail, however, make your way down to 2nd street after 10 at night. At the open air Thieves 'R' Us Market one can pick up a wonderful assortment of items from diamond watches to mountain bikes....all cheap...all stolen. Business really picks up on weekends in to what the police call 'total bedlam, complete anarchy.' Entire families show up to shop, you may even be buying back your own stolen stereo...it's fun for the whole family.
Surely no city in the world offers the diverse architecture found in the Big Apple. The golden glass & steel of Trump Towers, reflecting a block away, the Victorian stone of The Plaza....also Trumps. Soaring spires of St. Peters Cathedral make a nice back-drop for a homeless mans sidewalk cardboard abode.
New York can also museum you to death, but be forewarned here, some are a little strange. Take for instance the 'New Museum', 583 Broadway where the only exhibit is Bob Flanagan, who from his bed discusses masochism.
There is the famous Guggenheim, 5th Ave, in which I was lucky enough to catch a showing called 'Italian Metamorphosis.' I probably can speak for everyone when I say 'Giant Hair Ball' by Fettuccine Rigatoni was the hit of the show.
But my favorite by far is The Museum of Natural History, even though I was lost for 3 days in the place, living on a diet of Amazon Beetles, but that's another story. This place has the largest living creature ever, hanging from the ceiling.
A 200 ton Blue whale, (the largest dinosaur was a mere 100 tons,) swings up there like a semi truck chandelier. The beast has a heart the size of a VW, & gives birth to a three ton baby. The baby, take note you dieters, gains 200 lbs per day.....feel better? In the last 100 years we humans naturally have taken it upon ourselves to kill 300,000 of the 301,000 that existed. The largest creature in the world, by the way, lives on one of the smallest creatures in the world, krill, thus giving us yet another example of how the entire world is tied together.....or something to that effect.
The museum also houses the worlds largest meteorite. Found in Greenland in the 1800s it was loaded with considerable difficulty on board a sailing ship. The captain then sailed in circles for 5 months.
Seems a meteorite is very high in iron, thus simply sucking the compass in it's direction.
The Captains wife hated the thing & sold it to the museum for $40,000 while her man was out to sea. Bad mistake. It is actually priceless.
There are exhibits also. I attended one at the New York public library
intitled 'Garbage'. It was my first inclination to do a story on The Big Apples garbage problem. However after some thought I will just report....there is a hell of a lot of garbage in New York City.
There are sights that tickle your fancy, like the Span-dex clad blonde being pulled pell mell on rollerblades by matched Doberman pincers amongst the speeding traffic.
There are professional dog walkers, walking up to a dozen energized house bound hounds, who, naturally at the sight of another professional dog walker & his pack of pooches, go berserk.
There are things that tear at ones heart, like a shivering little bag lady, or a $6.oo beer.
But hey, never mind that recently in a national poll of friendliest cities, New York came in dead last....never mind about the noise, the crowds, the smell, but allow me to say something good about the place.......
ahhhh....
ohhhh....
they got good pizza there....
The End
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