Poems

 

                                    MY DOG HAS BLACK LIPS

 

 My dog Juno, he's very hip, it's not just because he's got black lips.

 There's other reasons I'll tell you why, he's got feet as big as pizza pies.

 My dog Juno is as big as a house, & somehow that mutt is still as a mouse

 You'll never hear that boy grouse, & he's specially fond of my dear spouse.

 The only time that dog might squeal, is if the baby ate his meal,

 He won't fetch & he wont heel, he hates to shuffle & refuses to deal.

 My freinds say the dog has got a big butt, they say he resembles Jabba the Hut,

 We'll listen here folks I'll tell you what, under that hair he's just a pup.

My dog Juno is a special breed, got plenty of papers & pedegrees,

 A malamute of the flop eared kind, a pure bred, califlower head, canine.

He's plenty smart with a degree in bark, from Byrons College of Canine Knowledge & Art.

My dog Juno is mighty sweet, unless you resemble a peice of meat,

 That boys favorite spot on earth, is the dumpster behind the Idle Spur.

 There's one other thing I forgot to say, & if this happens it will pay,

  that My Dog Juno really hates cat's, If one won this contest he'd best get his hat,

 ....& leave town....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                      An Environmentalist Christmas

 Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree,

 You gave your all so you could be.

 Decked with balls & silver stuff,

 Draped in lights & other fluff.

 Once the home to spotted owls,

 Where squirrels played amongst your boughs.

 Now your stacked to sell in rows of ten,

 Auctioned off from neon pens.

 I feel bad I feel blue,

 but an aluminum tree just wont do.

 

                                A Capitalist Christmas

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,

 And a  Mercedes Benz also might be neat.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,

 done in gold, & worth a heap.

 A brand new Rolex might not be bad.

 And a Macintosh is all the fad.

 A Rad Dog Snowbird would be way cool,

 & my yard could use a swimming pool.

 Another thing I can't live without,

 An American Express with plenty of clout.

 I'm really just a simple guy,

 How bout a Lear, so I can fly,

 Down to Texas where I could buy,

 An oil well & a chunk of sky.

 I'll tell you what, lets make a deal,

 You can keep the teeth, & let me feel,

 My naked body wraped in mink,

 & Dom Perignon in the Kitchen Sink.

 But without my teeth how could I chew?

 Hire some one else to eat my food?

 Wait a minute, with all that beef?

 All I really need is my two front teeth.

 

                                   A Developers Christmas

 Twas the night before Christmas & all through the house

 Drank lawers & brokers and other such louse

 Contracts were drawn with the greatest of ease

 wishing for yuppies, soon to apease.

 While out in the yard, Suberbans did shine,

 In your Armani suit you were looking so fine.

 You toasted with cheer for it had been quite a year

                                  

 

                                      Po Boys Christmas

  Silent night holy night,

 Just what happened to the light?

 The electric bill I could not pay,

 & in the dark the kids must play.

 I've over charged the Visa card,

 My checks are bouncing near & far.

 The bank has cut my credit line,

 In my pocket not one thin dime.

 It's Christmas time, that time of cheer,

 If I could just find someone to buy the beer.

 

 

         The Hypercondriact Christmas

 Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh

 I'll probably catch a cold & in my bed must lay.

 As or the fields we go I feel my allergys grow

 while my nose does glows & my heartrate slows.

 My doctor I should call, but I'd probably break a bone,

 Cause I might slip and fall, while trying to reach the phone.

 It's this time of year I really fear, rife with bugs from good will hugs,

My stomach they will probably pump, My constitution is a dump,

 My sence of smell has gone to hell, both my ears ring like bells.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                        A Carnivore Christmas

 Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, what the hell Is that smell?

 The Christmas Goose is over-cooked The La Bosquet is over Booked

 If one more fruitcake I should see,

 Then it's in the bathroom I will be.

 It's like I'm drowing in a bog, of hot spice wine & rum egg nog.

 The Christmas Pudding just wont gell, could someone tell me whats that smell?

 I'm sick of turkey, sick of ham, tired of jerky & sick of spam.

 There's sweet potatoes & pecan pie, some stewed tomato & chicken thighs

 Some hot cross buns could well be fun with butter it makes me shudder

 One more bite I'll surely swell, but what in the world is making that smell?

 There's something in the oven & I'll bet it's cooked,

 I't should'nt hurt to take a look

 The door I opened & jumped back, For in a honey glaze was the household Cat