Pregnancy: The Large Adventure

 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found & stopped.

                                                                    Sam Levenson

 

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

                                                                     Florynce Kennedy

 

  So, as we learned in last weeks column, people get married today because geese mate for life. Hence the terms 'Fly United' & 'What is good for the goose is good for the gender'.

 This week let us examine another one of life's great adventure's...pregnancy.

 I use the word 'adventure' as surely those two simple words "I'm Pregnant!"

 gets mans heart pounding & adrenaline flowing as no other adventure can.

  Naturally, through the years, I simply assumed, as I'm sure many of the other lads down at Kochevars did, that another of our fine feathered friends, the stork, was responsible for the arrival of babies.

 Well I'm here to tell you, having just been through it, THIS IS NOT THE CASE.

 If the truth would be known, this new child is actually grown INSIDE THE WOMAN. Suddenly this woman, possibly your wife, or girlfriend, or even someone you simply shared a bottle of wine with, has for all practical purposes a small human being inside her. Now we all know how we feel about things growing on or in our bodies. We spare no expense or time having said 'thing' removed post haste. Why if so much as a tiny strange ameba is discovered in our systems we wouldn't think twice about swallowing poison & having our stomachs pumped.

 So you can imagine when a energetic object the size of a cocker spaniel is lodged between your stomach & your liver, drop kicking your kidneys & punching your lungs the woman might find this condition a bit dis-conserting. The woman's emotional stability may waver at times resulting in conversations as such.

 "I CAN'T STAND THE SOUND OF YOU BLINKING!!"

 or....

 "I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M CRYING!! IF I KNEW I WOULDN'T BE CRYING NOW WOULD I?" YOU STUPID !!@@##$%%** MAN!!"

 It is the behavior of a woman in her 1st trimester of pregnancy that spawned the movie 'Sybill, Woman of 34 personalities.

Other odd behavior will now surface in the pregnant woman. The same little party animal that could drink 3 pitchers of Margaritas before dinner has suddenly become a raving tea-totaller. Now habits very old & dear to you have become severely endangered. To light a Marlbourgh in the presence of a pregnant woman, is now as socially acceptable as murder. Just because she quit drinking is no reason you have to, she may say, then glare with killer intent at your every sip. Cursing is now out, severely limiting your vocabulary. Violent movies are out severely limiting your entertainment.

 New books now piled on the night stand. Books with titles like 'A Child is Born' with 250 color photos!

 I fixed myself a V8 juice & liver Pate' & opened it up...

 "OH MY GOD!!! ARRRRGGGG!!! I slammed the book....fed the dog the pate'.

 Suddenly new bills appear. Every little twinge is cause for a doctors visit.

 "How much was the visit?" you may ask carefully.

 "$250..oo" She says.

 "And what did he say?"

 "Everything is fine."

 But everything is not fine, for now you find in your hour of need your health insurance has canceled you....because you are pregnant.

 You read that to raise a child to college age now costs $239,750.oo or just about the price of that new 45 foot ketch rigged Swan you now see slowly sailing out of your dreams.

 Yes, the cost of living has suddenly sky-rocketed and your paycheck still wont cover your tab at Kochevars.

 You wonder at which point, at what time in your life you simply cease to be that irresponsible, immature, selfish, lazy bum, & suddenly become Ozzie & Harriet. One minute your a pathetic gutter-snipe, the next Father Knows Best?

 It's at this point the male begins to wonder why anyone in their right mind would want to have children anyway. I mean at what point in your childhood did you bring your father joy & happiness. Was it between wiping your nose & butt & burning down the neighborhood? Was it that brief moment between wrecking his truck or having to call him for bail money. Was it the day you left home? Why would any one purposely bring this upon themselves. Which brings us to another point.....the congratulations.

 When Vicki & I first visited my old friend & physician Jay Wolkov, & he placed some sort of listening device on her stomach, beamed, turned to me with extended hand....

"Congratulations Church!"

 "Are you sure Jay?" Ridiculous but typically asked male question, "Maybe Vic got hold of a bad pizza?"

 "Believe me Church, I've got 6 kids of my own."

We stumbled from his office, Jan & the other nurses slapping our backs.

 "Congratulations Church!"

 Congratulations Church? They act like you just won the Boston marathon, or the Nobel peace prize. Don't these people realize just how little work you actually put into this thing, pregnancy?

 

 By the second tri-mester the woman has achieved some inner peace with her condition. She has reached some Zen of motherhood thing, & now stares of into space, a sly, stupid, Mona Lisa grin plastered on her face. The male is now treated like the village idiot, an unfeeling twit with the depth of a soapdish. A barbaric oaf with no concept of the meaning of life. You simply follow along like a homeless mutt.

 We found ourselves in Mexico at this point, renting a house in a small enough neighborhood that within 3 days everyone knew us. The condition of pregnancy in Spanish is called "Embarasada" & although Vicki was not even showing, every woman in that town knew she was 'embarrassed'. She was treated like a queen, with knowing winks, special service, kindly advice, those Mexican women dotted on her every wish. I followed along treated like a leper cousin.

 It was at this point we decided to have an Ultra-sound scan. A sound wave picture of the little guy, just to see if all the parts were there. After all I had been to a Grateful Dead concert or two in my past & had no idea what genetic abnormalities may have been passed on from growing up on the west coast in the sixties.

 The neighborhood women all suggested Dr. Victor Rondero Taquero, a guy that knew babies. And believe me, a baby Doctor in Mexico is never out of work. There was only one tiny problem with Dr. Victor Rondero Taquero...he didn't speak a word of English....& I, the translator, speak bar room Spanish.

 Everyone gathered in Dr. Taqueros office as he scanned Vicki's stomach. Everyone meaning us, him, his two bubbly nurses, & three 'embarrassed' patients from the waiting room.

 The Doctor stared at the screen & said something in Spanish...

 "What'd he say?" asked Vic. The other 5 onlookers looked at me to translate.

 "He said, your waiter will be right with you....I think.."

 Everyone nodded in agreement.

The doctor continued his rambling, I continued translating..

 "Yes...indeed it is a baby....would you like the enchiladas...everything is fine...

 Suddenly a tiny form became apparent on the screen. A perfect little human form. Then it hit me, the sheer magic of it all, the miracle of this new little life apparently waving to me from the womb. I yelped in wonder & joy, tears ran down my face. The rest of the crowd felt it too, & suddenly everyone in that room was laughing & crying along with me... Mexicans being a passionate lot & all...

"Ask him what sex it is!" Said my wife.

"Que classe de sexo?" I blurted out, which is something one might ask a hired hooker.

 "No es sexo, es poco temprano." said the doctor.

 "It has no sex." I translated.

 "OH MY GOD!:" Yelled my wife.....

 "I mean it's to early to tell...I think...

 We paid Dr. Victor Rondero Taquero his 22.oo fee & turned to leave. He then extended his hand, beamed at me & said his first words in English...

 "Congratulations, Senor Church!" 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