Privacy Invasion

Privacy Invasion

The thing about cities that has always struck me odd, is the abnormal amount of people that reside in them.

"Excuse me...was that your foot?"

Take New York. There are more people living in one building in New York, for instance than reside in this entire 30 mile long valley. Perhaps you've noticed that even in this valley, where there are more cows than people, and certainly plenty of room for everyone to breath, we still tend to get on each other’s nerves. Perhaps, even you have experienced an altercation with one of your neighbors, & the guy might be a half-mile away. Imagine then living in a..."Sorry, about the elbow"....situation where you have 300 neighbors within spitting distance. Three hundred completely different personalities, lifestyles, even nationalities living in the area of say...our high school gym.

"I'm sorry but I think that's your dog humping my leg."

 Take for instance my friends apartment on 77th street. You couldn’t swing a cat in the place but it's considered a steal at 3500.oo per month. He has a roommate. The Guy is 50 years old. He was born in the apt. So were his parents. "Hey," He says, "Apartments are hard to find here...you find one, you hang on to it."

"Well at least you must know everybody...kinda like  one big family eh?"

"Don't know anybody...see that cockroach, it  came from the old ladies place down the hall...nobody’s even seen her in years, but she must be filthy."

 "Well...maybe she's dead in there...maybe somebody ought to check?"

"Not my business."

Over at the Metropolitan museum of Art is a Gaugin exhibit, I've always liked his stuff...native girls wearing fruit & a strategic flower or two.

"I'm sorry, did that hurt?"

We decided to attend the opening. So did 125,000 other Gaugin lovers. I hoisted my son on my shoulders. Perhaps he could see some of the actual paintings themselves.

 "I see a naked fat lady lying on a bed...

"That's it!" That's one of his best..it's...

"I'm sorry sir!" A uniformed guard tapped my arm. "Your child cannot sit on your shoulders...blocks the view of the art for everyone else."

 "What view? What art? I've been in here an hour & haven't

 seen anything but dandruff?"

'Should have seen it this morning...really crowded." He said.

We decide to take in a play down at Greenwich Village. We board the subway. No place to sit. I stand. Suddenly I'm jammed face to face with a huge black guy. Our mustaches are tickling each other. More intimate than newlyweds. We ignore each other. He act's like I'm not there. I act like he's not there. We could be Siamese twins, joined at the lips...but ignore each other.

The play, written & acted by a flight attendant friend , is called Around the World in a Bad Mood. It is about flight attendant's...their lives. It is being held in a smoky bar about the size of Kochevars men’s room. There are about 300 other flight attendants making up the audience. My wife & I are ushered to a table just big enough to hold two coasters.

Just before the play opens a gay couple are seated with us.

"My!' gushes one of the guys, "There's not enough room for all our drinks!"

No there isn't." I agreed. There actually wasn't enough room for a mouse dropping left in the entire bar.

"I have an idea...you take a drink, and I'll put down mine...then I'll take a drink and you put down yours" He beamed...like he'd just come up with the meaning of life.

The play started...the actors couldn't have been closer if it was a lap dance.

 "I'm a flight attendant!' The other guy whispered in my ear.

"Really!" I was lost for words...

Disgorged onto the sidewalk after the play, my wife went to thank the cast. I found myself with a much-appreciated 3 square feet of space. I would have killed for a cigarette...and I don't even smoke.

A young dude approached.

"Give me some money." He said.

"Drop dead." I said, starting to speak New York. "Why should I give you my money."

"Cause I'm homeless." He said.

"Get a job." I said.

"I got a job...begging your ass..Now  gimmie  so money"

"Get outa my face before I nail that spike you got stuck through your tongue to that pole there." I was getting a little tense about my invaded privacy.

"%$#@#$!YOU" He screamed.

"?%$#@**& YOU!" I screamed back.

"I see you've made a friend." said my wife walking up and taking my arm.

 

Afterwards in a diner, a guy behind me orders a salad. You couldn't help but over hear as he's about 6 inches away.

"Gimmie a small salad."

"We just have one size sir"

"Yeah but I just want a small salad."

"As I said, sir we just have one size."

"I JUST WANT A SMALL SALAD!!"

"How’s bout this?" I turned to him. "You just eat half of it?"

 

A couple days later we're standing in another 3 block line to tour the huge Aircraft Carrier "Intrepid". My 3-year-old daughter, asleep in a stroller is scanned & frisked by a half dozen Marines for five minutes. The child is a maniac, there's little doubt, however small risk to a fully manned aircraft carrier.

It's jammed with tourists.

"Hey, is that your hand? In my Pocket?"

My son & I make our way to the bridge. A huge shiny brass control panel greets us. My son reaches for it.

"DON"T TOUCH THAT DIAL !!" Screams a uniformed crew cut. We both jump out of our skin.

 "And this is your job sir?" I ask. "Sitting in here all day screaming at children?"

 

 We're packed like codfish on United 1672 on our way back to Denver. A huge fat guy from Jersey is overflowing onto me from the next seat. I'm 2 hours into the Harrison Ford movie...The Submarine is sinking...all hell is breaking loose...Ford turns to his First Mate & grimly says....

 "SO's WHERE YOUSE GOIN!!" It's the fat guy.,,,Archie Bunker

 I lift one earphone, My eyes not leaving the screen.

"Colorado." Like everyone on the plane.

"SO's WHERE YA's BEEN?? NEW YORK??” The guys pretty quick...the whole  plane's from New York.

"Yeah!" I'm still staring  at the screen, having  missed the punch line of the entire movie.

"WHAT A PIT!! YA MAKE IT TO HARLEM??" YA KNOW IT TAKES 10,000 POLICE OFFICERS TO KEEP THEM PEOPLE UNDER CONTROL THERE!!"

Harrison Ford fades to black.

 

I close my eyes, imagine myself in the center of Lake Irwin..in  a canoe...alone...surrounded  with  privacy.