Childbirth

                                               CHILDBIRTH

Giving birth is like pushing a burning log through your nostril.

                                                                       Unknown

My mother groaned, my father wept,

Into the dangerous world I lept.

                                                   William Blake

 

 The inevitable was going to happen. My wife being 9 months pregnant now, it was extremely apparent there was no holding this kid back. We would have to prepare ourselves.

 "My kid is not going to have all that plastic garbage they make nowadays...."

Vicki was telling me as we strolled into Wall-marts baby dept. "No-sir-ee, my baby is gonna be natural, wood toys, intelligent books, none of this disposable new-age noise-making....except for this plastic baby bath....oh ,& this Johnny jump up. We'll need this $85.oo backpack for the woods, this $150.00 stroller for town, now Seigrid told me about this cool bike trailer...but it's $500.oo. We'll need this intercom system so we can here the baby in another room....got to have this car seat...

 "Just a second dear, let me get another shopping cart." I offered.

We'll need this 200.oo crib, oh and bumpers, add 50.oo, package of 50 T-shirts, 2000 diapers, oh lookit these darling little shoes!"

"Shoes? A baby cant even walk!"

"Baby hats, baby mittens, socks, handy wipes, sunglasses....

 I wrote a suspicious check for the price of a used car, backed up the truck to Wall-marts door & loaded the ton & half of 'necessities' for our future natural 'simple' child.

 We would need a name. We bought 9 books of baby names each with 10,000 names. Of the 90,000 names offered we hated them all. Couldn't find a one.

 "We'll know it when we see him." said Vic. "Or her.."

 "Yea, like Small Bald Church or Wind in The Pants... Did I tell you dear, that when I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped everybody in the room?"

 

We signed up for La-maze class....the Le Mons I called it.

On a Wednesday night we joined a dozen other nervous couples at the Gunnison hospital. At 44 years  I was old enough to be the father of most of these expectant fathers.

 "Introduce yourself & say something nice about your partner." said the instructor.

 "My name is Billy & I think my wife is sexy....& that is probably why we're here."

 "We will now watch three live birth videos." said the instructor, & switched off the light.

Now I don't know how many of you have seen a live birth video, but it is my belief that if they showed only one of these things to high schoolers there would be no pre-marital sex problem.

The female in the films is done up to a tee. Makeup applied, new permanent....lying fat & naked for the world to see. The husband, a sweating yuppie cracks nervous jokes in falsetto squeaks.

" Now take a cleansing breath my love," he coos to his grunting partner "I love you so much, you are such a beautiful person, this is such a beautiful experience...."

"GETOUTOFMYFACE!!"YOU@@@##!!*MISERABLELITTLETWIRP***$$#@#@IHATEYOUR***$###@@@GUTS!!!"  Screams the little woman.

 

In one film the nervous husband pulls out a snapshot of the family dog, thrusts it in his wife's face as he strokes her hair. "Binky says push hard Mommy...."

"DON'TTOUCHMEYOUCREEP!!!GETTHATMUTTOUTOMYFACE!!!!" screams 'Mommy'.

 The lights go on....the crowd sits in stunned silence. The 'miracle' of birth has taken an ugly turn of reality.

 

In the weeks that follow, every woman we meet seems to have her own little birthing story to share with my anxious wife....

 "Take all the drugs they'll give ya."

 "Do it natural, perfectly straight."

 "You'll have plenty of time, wait till the 7th hour of labor."

 "I'd go to the hospital right now if I were you."

 "It's a beautiful experience."

 "it's the most horrific thing you'll ever go through."

 

We started hanging around Gunnison...close to the hospital. We did Chinese Food, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Mexican, Italian. We saw movies, hung around yard sales, went to the hospital three times. Finally, sick of motel life we returned home to Lake Irwin.

 At midnight Vicki went into labor. Ten minutes later we had completed the 35 mile drive to the hospital.

 By 4:00 our friend & physician Jay Wolcov arrived.

 "Get into your scrubs, we're gonna deliver us a baby."

 I returned to the delivery room in blue paper hat, slippers, pants, smock, surgical mask, rubber gloves.

 "Looks like your going to an Ebola outbreak.... AAARRRRGGGG!!! said my wife.

 At 5:oo Jay said "Concentrate, now Vic, Focus, Very close now."

 "AAAARRRRGGGG!!!" said Vic.

"Mmmmppphhhhllfft." said I.

 At 5:30 the door flew open., six college age kids walked in bearing flowers.

 "Wrong room." said Jay.

 "AAAARRRRRGGG!!" said Vicki.

 "Phhhllebbbssh!" said I.

 At 6:oo "Push Vic." said Jay.

 'Push Vicki." said the nurse.

 "Ppppuuusshhtt!" said I

 "GETOUTOFMYFACE!!!ALLOFYOU!!! Screamed my wife.

 

Now all of us, Dr. Jay, Joanna the nurse & myself stood in the hall peering in on my ranting wife.

 "This is great, said Jay. " Easiest birth I ever saw."

 "She's doing great," Said Joanna, "Isn't this great Steve?"

 "Muuuppphhhllt>" I agreed.

 "AAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!! Howled Vicki.

 

At 6:30 with a whack & a wail Jay handed me a tiny pink perfect boy child.

 "Congratulations you two, everything is fine!"

 I stood in awe, tears running down my face, staring at the new life in my hands.

 The tiny creature opened it's eyes, held its hands toward me & in the faintest little voice no one else could here, said one word.

 "Dad!"