Virgin Convention

VIRGIN CONVENTION COMING

 

A terrible thing happened again last night.....nothing.

                                                                         Phyllis Diller

Virtue is it’s own revenge.

                             E.Y. Harburg

 

 Ms. Diane Markowitz-Reaman of the Crested Butte Camber of commerce had some exciting news at the annual Chambers $25.oo per person pot luck dinner last night.

“ Crested Butte is looking towards the future”....said Markowitz -Reaman...then some time later went on to say ,” By inviting a diverse & varied number of conventions to our valley in the coming year we hope to spread the word that ‘our town is your town if you wish to converge’. Presently as you may have noticed we host an eclectic group of Harley Riding, Flower smelling, Physic, AAA, Leaf Peeping, Fat tire Biking, Beer tasters, War Veterans, & DEA Agents, but we believe there is a wealth of untapped conventioneers just looking for a spot to convene & what better place than ‘where the mountains meet the valley floors” Crested Butte Colorado.”

“Pass the yams,” Markowitz- Reaman continued, then... “So I have taken the liberty of contacting some of these groups myself, & find a smorgasbord of convention potential. First, the annual Virgin Convention held this year in Washington DC. This is a group of 500 that gather once a year to celebrate abstinence....

 “Celebrate abstinence?” asked local roust-about Mac Bailey. “Isn’t that an oxymoron like Army intelligence, Free love, happily married...Just how does one celebrate abstinence?

“Well apparently”, Markowitz- Reaman continued, “they  gather together & ‘Honk for purity.”

 “You have invited 500 virgins to our town that will spend a week honking ?” Asked local cantina owner Eric Romer, “ What about Margarita sales? I’ve got 50 kinds of Tequilas that aren’t getting any younger...”

 “I have contacted the president of the Virgin Convention, Miss Linissa Straight , & she informs me they are quite a bit like real people, they buy stuff, they eat, they watch Disney films...of course they will be looking for host families to...

 “I’LL TAKE 5!!” Yelled a somewhat exuberant Tom Church from the bar.

...”to put them up,” continued Markowitz- Reaman. “These families will be screened carefully”, she added glaring at Church.

“ We have organized some special events for the group....The Virgins Parade during which time any local virgins  are encouraged to join in & abstain. The Mayor of Irwin, John Biro himself has volunteered to guide ‘nature hikes’ in private groups of 10 or less. Jimbo Talbot will provide horseback rides, (apparently a big hit with the group.) there will be games organized such as ‘spin the brick’, hot cross...

 HOW BOUT A SACRIFICE?? Yelled Tom Church, now seemingly caught up in the idea

“Excuse me?”

“A virgin sacrifice, kinda like the burning of the gump or grump or whatever it is, but we use a virgin!”

 Well , Tom....We’re the Chamber of Commerce, not the Chamber of Horrors, besides we’re hopping for a little repeat business here...

 “Virgins never return.” Said Biro. 

 “What do you know about virginity Biro?” asked Lola.

 “HEY! I was a virgin throughout my school years.....grade school....

 “All right all ready, any other input?”

 “How do you make a Virgin Mary?” asked Rex.

 “Just when does this virgin convention take place?” Asked Jim Deli. “I mean I think it’s a neat idea....I mean...whatever I can do to...HEY WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN AT??””

 “Weeeellll”, Continued Markowitz-Reaman “ I thought it might be interesting to have them the same week the Harley Davidson group is in town....”

 Markowitz- Reaman went on when the screams died down...”I mean they seem like a nice bunch of fellows, & some of those guys seem down right lonely last time they visited...I mean wouldn’t it be swell to get the two groups together?”

 “Might be more than honking going on.” Agreed town attorney Jim Starr...”When’s the Lawyers convention?”

 “Right after the Miami Boat Show in January.” Markowitz-Reaman Went on...”Then the Hawaiian Tropic Swimsuit Competition in February.”

 “Gnurps has then invited the international logging competition to be held over in the West Elk Wilderness just as soon as the trails will support log trucks,”

 “I also thought a Gay & Lesbian parade during the spring cattle drive might be fun...and if we could move the Nucla Prairie Dog Shoot up during Wildflower week consider the possibilities...

 The Future Farmers of America have expressed interest in convening if we can get the Girl Scouts of America around the same time.

  Markowitz-Reaman then adjourned the meeting with the following advice.

 “Remember...We’ll pay attention to your convention,

                        So if you wish to convene, you can bet your spleen

                          the Buttes a Hoot....

 

“Well that needs a little work.” She added.