Paraguay

PARAGUAY

 I have had just about all I can take of myself.

                                                 Alfredo Stroessner, President for Life

 

God has always been hard on the poor.

                                                    Jean Paul Marat

 

 "Visitors to Paraguay have a good chance of seeing many reptiles which they have never seen before..."

 So it's got that going for it, I thought to myself & continued reading.

 "The national sport of Paraguay is corruption, it's major industry contraband,"

"Well mabey there was some hope...

 "The eastern half of the country is covered by humid sub-tropical rain forest.

Travelers to this area should be warned of Chagas disease. Carried by a biting fly it may lie dormant in your blood for years then, bang, your heart virtually explodes one day. There is no cure.

 The western half of the country is covered by a humid, sweltering,

 grassland known as the Chaco. The insects & heat make it all but uninhabited but for a group of German Mennonites. Travelers to this area should by warned of the Brazilian rattlesnake which transmits a highly potent neurotoxin that causes paralysis so severe that neck muscles cannot hold the head up, & the neck appears broken. Travel at night should be avoided altogether due to the extremely aggressive yarara snake.

 Great.

 You will dine on Mazamorra, (corn mush) & tubers while you shop in the duty free zone to replace your camera that was stolen."

 Wonderful.

 "It would be wise, while in Paraguay, not to aggravate the police or the military, as you will encounter highway checkpoints manned by teenagers with automatic weapons & attitudes."

 Peachy.

"Many of these troops are not even issued ammunition however, for fear they will turn on their own officers. But one never knows."

  "You will visit giant Itaipu Dam which flooded the most magnificent set of waterfalls in the world, & the even bigger Yacyreta Dam, which has been under construction for 24 years & now has come to a complete standstill mired down in graft. It is affectionately called 'The Monument to Corruption', & has sapped some 5 billion of World Bank money to this point. If it ever is completed it will flood 200 miles up-river, 2000 sq. km reservoir, displacing 50,000 people.

 Nice.

  "For political reasons a half million Paraguayans live outside the country, the ones that stayed face the lowest life expectancy rate anywhere in South America.

 As far as the money, there are 1281 Guarani's to the U.S. dollar, the language is Guarani, Spanish, & German. The people are mixto's of Spanish & Indian descent, known for their fine lace work called Nanduti, & ability to steal a locked car in under 10 seconds. A Paraguayan's appearance,(& here come the letters to the editor) may best be described as 'shifty.'

 

Perhaps to best ponder Paraguay presently, it may possibly pay to peek at Paraguay's preposterous past.

 The first Spaniards in the area were actually welcomed by the Indians, who gave freely of their food & women. In fact when Italian ethnographer Guido

Boggiani, in 1887, refused a wife as a gift, the Indians killed him. You see they liked Guido so much they didn't want him to marry a neighbor...so they killed him. Get it?

 Being a landlocked country, Paraguay became self sufficient. In fact the country didn't even use money as an exchange until the late 18oo's.

 Paraguay broke from Spain (who could have cared less) in 1811 & a sadistic General dubbed 'El Supremo' took over & sealed the borders. He immediately made everything worth anything, part of the state. Ranches, business's , Church's, all state owned, if any one protested, they were drug off to the famous torture center known as the 'Chamber of Truth." Here they hung in chains, never released even for ablutions, until dying of dispair.

 El Supremo himself was totally paranoid. His food & drink were always tested by some poor fool, no one could come within 10 feet of him, & he slept in a different place every night. He finally died a 'natural' death in 1840, whereupon his beloved people chopped him into bite sized bits & threw him in the Rio Paraguay.

 Next the Lopez family took over, & with young Solano at the helm promptly attacked Argentina, Uruguay, & Brazil, all at once.

 Bad idea.

 Within 5 years Paraguay had lost 150,000 sq. km of territory & half its population. Only 'women, children, & burros' remained.

 After nursing back to health for 20 years Paraguay again got cocky & attacked Bolivia. After a four year battle they called a cease fire with no apparent victor. Again 20 % of the population wiped out for no real reason.

 Paraguay then enjoyed a decade of chaos & disorder until General Alfredo Stroessner set up a completely bogus election in 1954 & voted himself President. He would run his 'democracy' until 1989, holding elections every 4 years & simply killing any one who ran against him. It was during this time that many Nazi war criminals sought refuge here. He oddly enough granted land to those trying to escape military enlistment also, the  Mennonites.

 Stroessner was a total ego maniac. He named all the exchange house's or banks,  after himself, & put his son in charge of them, he ruled that the main street of every town be named after himself, & all the airports. 4 years after his overthrow they are still tearing thousands of statues to Stroessner down.

 He also named a city after himself, Puerto Presidente Stroessner, the ragged border crossing through which runs more contraband than any city in South America, if not the world. Literally billions of dollars worth of cocaine & electronic goods pass over the 'friendship bridge', into Brazil every year.

 And no one seems to care.

 

 Paul Gallaher, photographer, & myself thought this Puerto Presidente Stroessner might be an interesting vacation destination, & suddenly here we stood, like two fat buffalo surrounded by wolves, our wallets & cameras clutched tightly in a crowd of 10,000 of South Americas finest criminals. A city of smugglers, an entire rat infested burg of corruption & greed....a sewer of cutthroats, harlots, & vicious thugs....

 "This is worse than Kochevars." mumbled Paul in the poisonous air.

 As far as the eye could see, dirt streets packed with tiny booths baked under an ulcerated sky...(good word huh?) Every cheap plastic & electronic device in the world was being offered for sale to a tattered crowd of reprobates, who like leaf cutter ants, loaded huge bundles on their heads & backs & fell in line over the bridge to Brazil. The custom agents in Brazil sat at desks with their feet up as thousands of smugglers an hour passed by their doors. No one stopped anyone....no one cared.

 "Hey Gringo!! Wanna buy a switchblade?" called a grease trap under a Dodgers hat.

 I looked at the knife...made in Brazil. A knife made in Brazil, smuggled into Paraguay, bought, sold, & smuggled back to Brazil cheaper than the manufacturer could sell it with taxes in Brazil.

 "HEY MISTER!! ROLEX WATCHES 25.OO!"

 Now that seemed a pretty good deal for a Rolex, to bad it was miss-spelled...

 "Hey cowboy, how bout some Ray-Bans?"

 I put on the glasses....like trying to look through Saran Wrap, drunk.

"No thanks."

 There was everything imaginable, from Barbie to Nikon, from Channel # 5 to

Sony, from....

 "PSSSSST! Buddy, chew wanna buy some musical condoms?"

 "Excuse me?"

 "Musical condoms man!" a guy that looked remarkably like Speedy Gonzalous held up a 4 pack of prophylactics.

 "Four tunes meester, Speedy went on..."Tango, lombata, samba, meringue!"

"Your kidding."

  Could it be true? Here in the heart of darkness, the center of the third world, the middle of nowhere I had discovered the epitome of progress, the crowning jewel of civilization.... The Musical Condom?

"Show me..... I was dumb-struck, like a aborigine at a Stones concert.

Speedy looked nervously around.....

 "Rubber Patrol?"

 He  tore a small hole in the top wrapper, licked his finger & touched the exposed condom.  

He then held it to my ear.

 Now I may have exaggerated before in articles long dead, but as I live & breath, I'm here to tell you....

 That condom was playing a tiny tango.

                                                              To be continued