x-Games

X-GAMES [We’d like to see]

 

 Perhaps you noticed that ESPN, a popular sports Television channel, hosted the winter X-games here in Crested Butte last week. That of course would explain the two dozen semi trucks parked on the slopes, & the couple hundred self-assured contestants demanding ‘free stuff’ from local shop owners. The events, broadcast to over 200 million people, [which may or may not be a good thing for Crested Butte] included such events as sno-mobile moto-cross, Ice wall climbing, downhill bike races, extreme skiing & snowboarding, depicting the best of the best in their fields.

 As ESPN put it ‘These are the toughest athletes in the business, the most extreme dudes & dudetes on the planet, competing in the roughest sports known to man.”

 

 Hogwash, I say. Wimps. Hot house flowers all of em.

 Below I have compiled a list of local X-game events that make ESPN’s look like baking cookies with Barney. For instance:

 Extreme Dating:

 In this event a local lass is perched atop the infamous Ice Wall. Teams of 24 men at a time armed only with credit cards & tiny silver spoons attempt to scale the wall to the lady’s side. The winner wins a date to romantic bad beer night at the elegant El Dorado Cafe.

 

Extreme Driving:

 This is an extremely dangerous event, in which highly trained, fearless professional drivers are given a 86 ford Taurus with one headlight & baloney skin tires, & will attempt to drive the 28 icy, horrifing,welcome datacomp miles from Gunnison to Crested Butte. The race becomes even more perilious as the finals are held at 6 o’clock at night where our intrepid drivers are facing an maniacal on-coming horde of half baked, apre-ski, Wasted State students.

 

Extreme Weaseling:

 Standing rigid in a loose fitting pair of Carharts, the contestants must show no expression as a pair of irate wild weasels are released up one leg. Only when both indignant varmits have scratched clawed & bitten their way up one leg down the other & have fully emerged is the event concluded. The contestants will be drug tested & no underwear allowed.

 

Extreme Marketing: Six Contestants will compete in this horrifying test of nerves & patience when they are released into Mcdells Market at 5:pm to try & purchase 1 gallon of milk & get out with their sanity. No swearing, cutting lines, guns or knives allowed. This event was won last year in under two hours, so the competition will be fierce.

 

Extreme Parking : Taking place at high noon a dozen contestants driving new Suburbans will attempt to park in the post office parking lot without altercation or bribery.

 

Extreme Working: In this physically demanding highly stressful event the entrants are required to hold 6 different jobs & never miss a powder day. the jobs must be pointless with no chance for advancement. Points scored for the lowest pay verses the highest rent. Additional points for pay verses bar tabs.

 

Extreme Housing: In this highly popular spectator event coed teams of 15 people will cram into a phone booth...& spend the winter.

 

Extreme Banking: Apparently still reeling from the 1928 stock market crash & the 1948 Big Mine Collapse the highly suspicious local Banking Industry sets the stage for this grueling three month long event. Armed only with the deed to a half a million in local real estate the entrants will attempt to borrow enough for a Mexican vacation.

 

Extreme Skitching: Intrepid entrants with arms like orangutan’s skitch down main street at breakneck speeds, clutching the streaking rear bumpers of out of state cars.

 

Extreme drinking: Not for the faint hearted this gruesome game starts in R.J.s BackCountry Gourmet, with a Gin Martini bigger than your head. Into Donitas for a pitcher of Gritas’, then racing to LiL’s for A chilled Bass Ale. The entrants will then sprint to the Spur for a Large White Buffalo, & streak to the Eldo for some bad beer. Over to the Princess to slap Gill Gillespie & up the street for a Powerhouse Margarita. The event will end in beautiful Kochevars By The Creek with a Bud, Red Hot & a bag of Pork rinds.

 The winners & losers will be judged by the Crested Butte Police Dept., the winners going home to pray for death by the porcelain alter, the losers paying 3000 dollars & going straight to jail.

 datacomp

 The winners will proceed to the finals in Harlem, New York City where they will be given a swiss army knife & a hundred dollar bill. The surviving entrant will be crowned Mr. or Ms, Extremely Lucky.