Mind Loss

                                                      

 I had to quit smoking pot....I forget why.

                                                    Some Comedian

 

 I’ve been losing my mind lately.

 Oh yeah. I know what your thinking....”GET OUT OF THE POST OFFICE HE’S GOT A GUN!”

 It’s not like that.

 I have no desire to crawl naked down main street eating bugs & drooling the national anthem. I don’t want to climb the X-game ice wall...It’s not like that.

 I’m losing it slowly.

 Just like they said would happen.

 You reach the middle forties & presto, things start to sag, they said. Sure enough... my chest is dropping to my belt line, My butt is hitting the back of my knees. My brain is slowing down.

 Short periods of time are being misplaced...not good when you drive a bus for a living.

 Things aren’t as clear as they used to be. Why just a few years ago the pinkish glow of Paradise Divide in the morning sunrise might inspire a loud outburst of J. Denver’s ‘Rocky Mountain High.” Now I stare at the same sunrise thinking: I wonder if I ought change my oil? Boy I bet it’s getting sludgy...big ol chunks of oil...I wonder what oil looks like at 25 below?

  I knew I was slipping the other day when I carried on in entire conversation with a 13 year old tourist that went something like this:

 “See the Eagle there?”

 “Well yeah like duh.”

 “Awesome huh?

 “Like duh.”

 “ Really duh like, huh”

 “Really...duhh..’

The problem is, I knew just what she was talking about.

 It’s not like I’m going round the bend, it’s just that I’m not as sharp as I used to be...I think...I cant really remember...It just seemed like I was sharper back then...when?... I’m not sure...

 It’s hard to tell really, it’s not something men talk about....

“Hey Jim, now that your 50....ah... you feel yourself getting ah.. stupid?...or is it just me?”

 I’d finally resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t slowing down, the world was speeding up.

 

 Then I saw the headline: MALE MENOPAUSE: FACT

 I read on.

‘Male Menopause stages begin at age 45.’...[I am 45 1/2...or am I 46?....] Whatever.

 ‘Symptoms include irrability, depresion, indecisiveness, fat gain, memory loss, reduced endurance, reluctance to pick up the check, laziness’....why this was describing me to a tee.

 Jed Diamond a psychotherapist, who looks about 26, says “This isn’t the beginning of the end, but the end of the beginning.”

 Oh yeah Jed? What the hells the difference? Easy for you to say Dr. Whippersnapper.

 I read on:

 “Men’s aging brains shrink three times faster than women’s.” Boy at this rate the old gray matter will look like a BB rolling around Bronco Stadium by the end of the winter.

 Then a little good news caught my eye:

 “Hey honey!” “It says here that men’s brains are bigger than women’s, HAH!...I knew it!”

 “That’s cause men need it.” Said my wife. “Men’s brains shrink faster than cotton underwear.” She had apparently read the same article, she could’nt have known that.

 

 Then I saw an ad that gave hope to my foggy outlook.

 AMAZING HERB’S IMPROVE MEMORY, CLEARS THINKING!

 Ginko Leaf & St. Johns Wort both proven natural anti- depressants are found to increase ones thinking process while greatly improving memory. Clear your head today & function at twice your usual capacity! ALL NATURAL!!

 

  Well that’s me...Mr. Natural...I headed down to Mountain Earth Whole Foods, a store that is not quite as familiar to me as say...Acme Liquor.

 “Hello, I’m looking for a root called....”

 I couldn’t remember for the life of me...I was getting here none to soon.

 “GECKO WARTS!” I blurted out as the place went dead silent. I may as well been in Madam Voodoo’s witchcraft shop asking for bat wing & eye of newt.

 “Gecko warts?” asked the sales girl.

 I leaned in close & whispered, “It’s to improve memory, you know, blow out the ol brain cells.”

 “ You mean St. John’s Wort, or Ginko Leaf?” She whispered back.

 “Yeah”

 “ We’re out of Wort but we do have Ginko.” She murmured & placed a tiny bottle that would have comfortably fit in the corner of my eye on the counter.

 “$10.85?... my, their proud of this stuff huh?”

 

 I didn’t take the stuff right away but chose to test my capacities au natural the night before. I tried to remember as far back as I could...last Wednesday...or was that Monday?

 The following morn after breakfast I announced to my family that Dad was about to launder his brain & in case I became too smart to relate to them I wanted them to know I still loved them.

 I read the directions: 30 drops three times daily. Wow!, 90 drops of just about anything would certainly have some affect, but I mixed up the concoction in a glass of OJ & raised it to my lips:

 “I WANT GECKO WARTS!” Yelled Christo my 2 year old son.

 “It’s not for little boys dear,” explained my wife, “it’s for old men that are going senile & cant remember their names.”

“Thanks a lot.” I threw back the concoction, grimaced & closed my eyes.

 The family stared.

 Suddenly my eyes popped open, & I yelled:

 “I CAN REMEMBER EVERY PLAYER ON THE 1954 NEW YORK YANKEES B SQUAD.....I CAN REMEMBER THE NIGHT I WAS BORN!!”

“Daddy’s crazy.” said Cristo.

 In about 5 minutes I had the mother of all headaches. It felt like my brain had fallen into in a trash compactor. Then suddenly it cleared & I felt immediately very....weird.

 Weird...like I had ingested 30 drops of some strange herb.

 It felt like a 12 volt battery charger was attached to my brain, my mouth took off without me...”WHOABOYLOOKITTHETIMEIGOTTAGOWHOABOYI’MLATESEEYALATERKIDS! And out the door I went.

 For the next three hours I had no control over my mouth. Whether it was actually responding from my brain I had no idea. I definitely was not depressed. Whether I could remember more, I couldn’t say. See, I couldn’t remember what I remembered before the Ginko took over. One thing was for sure...I was very glad when it wore off & very happy to return to my normal dull self the following morn. And here I shall happily remain, for better or wort.

 FOR SALE: Small bottle of Ginko leaf extract: Slightly used.