Trucks

 Mama hated diesels so bad, I guess it had something to do with dad.

 

                                                                Commander Cody

Yes this is my truck. No I won’t help you move.

                                                                   Bumper Sticker

 

 I was playing ‘trucks’ with my 2 year old son Christo the other night as we do practically every night. Christo took a break to get a drink from his favorite watering hole, the toilet, which gave me time to consider just what a huge impact trucks have on the male gender. Take for example Christo, the very  first word uttered from that little cherubs lips was ‘TRUCK!’ Not Mama, not papa but... TRUCK! Of course there were variations of the word yelled out over the dinner table with both stunned Grandmothers present, but the kid knew exactly what he was talking about. A truck was simply the coolest thing in a young mans life. Later, there would be girls, but if he was any man at all his interests would soon return to ‘trucks.’ To Christo in the early stages, a truck was anything from a VW Bug to a D9 Cat. But it was surely a downshifting, Jake-brake rumbling, Kenworth that set that boy to quivering. He quickly learned, with help from his gifted father, the difference between a truck & a car, so naturally his second word was ‘CAR!’  Now a child can hardly go through life with only two words so I took it upon myself to teach him a third & vastly important ...’TRAC-TOR’. It was at this point his frustrated Mother took the child aside & hammered him day & night  until he finally ( probably  simply wanting to get on with his life) uttered the word that made 9 months of bearing him all worth while....’Mama’. He said it all right...but certainly not with the fervor of “TRUCK!’

 Now for the sake of the ‘gentler gender’...that would be you girls, let me explain first of all how one plays trucks.

  Get down on the floor, on all fours. Get yourself a toy truck. Any toy truck will do, but there surly is no substitute for a TONKA TRUCK. Even a 2 year old will immediately recognize the vastly superior construction of a TONKA over any plastic imitation. They are made from a heavy gauge steel that is beefier than most Sports Utilities Vehicles on the road today. Tonkas are anatomically correct right down to their smokestacks & any self respecting 2 year old male will recognize this also. Plus, a good beefy full size Tonka Truck is virtually impossible to flush down the toilet. Any of you with 2 year olds know this is a valuable asset, having watched everything from the TV remote to the family parakeet disappear down the hopper.

 So your on all fours, Tonka in hand, the next important step in ‘trucks’ is the correct sound effects. Now some of the boys down at Al’s Backhoe might disagree with me here but I don’t think you can beat a good old sloppy ‘raspberry’ accompaniment....that is, wet your lips, blow out softly till those lips are beating together in what, at the Bosquet, would be considered a socially unacceptable outburst. The guys over at JCI, Parker, & my son all opt for the more guttural throaty growl, but what ever your choice, it is very important to increase & decrease intensity when your Tonka encounters the surmountable objects one must overcome in ‘trucks’. Take for instance the family dog. The dog must be asleep...

 no self respecting dog will tolerate a full size Tonka being driven over him so the driver must approach in a stealth manner, out of gear, coasting quietly, then right before impact, a quick downshift, pedal to the metal & roar up that unsuspecting mutts behind. The dog of course will react much the same as if you had laid a cattle prod on it’s tongue so it’s important to stand clear of the flying Tonka. Sleeping mothers, we find, will react in much the same way.

  Most pets, as a rule, have an aversion to ‘trucks.’ Cats will stick themselves to the ceiling before they’ll engage in a good robust round of ‘’trucks’ with a 2 year old. Birds fish & Ferrets are all out of the question. Only a turtle can withstand the crushing, jolting effects of ‘trucks.’ Only a turtle is to slow a get away from ‘trucks.’

 ‘Trucks’ is one of the finer things about being male. Sure Barbi’s a fox, drives a cool pink Corvette, but people just don’t  jump aside when they see Barbi coming...not like they do when a two year old male muttering to himself is running full tilt behind a 30 LB Tonka Truck. People, animals, even Barbi, who probably is no rocket scientist, knows to step aside.

 ‘Trucks’, prepare the young male for a life of groveling in the dirt. If a kid can sit in a pile of mud for hours, sputtering, pushing a truck around & be completely satisfied then his expectations will never be that great to be shattered later on. If the young lad can learn early to distinguish the dirt clods from the dog doo, then life will be that much simpler.

 I mean consider this....you buy a boy a truck, for the next 3 to 60 years, all he needs is a pile of dirt to push around. You buy a little girl a Barbi doll, next thing you know Barbi’s gotta have that pink Corvette, Barbi’s dream house, Ken, a wardrobe that Imelda Marcos would rip your heart out for, shoes, a boat, etc, etc. Now some guys might say we’re setting a dangerous precid....whoa there...careful old boy...thin ice here....

 Anyway, so get back to basics, get out those old toy trucks, gather the family unit together, turn off the TV & get down on the floor. Sputter, putter , drive over each other, crash into stuff.

And next time your stuck in road construction south of town look up at those burly truckers lumbering by...every one of them is saying to him or herself.....

  BRRRRRRRUUUUUUMMMMMM!!!