I Fish, Therefore I Lie

      I FISH, THEREFORE I LIE

                                             By Steve Church

 

Give a man a fish & he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish & you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

                                                             Zeena Schaffer

 Wait a minute pal....your not going fishing around here dressed like that?  And hold the phone, what's that?? WORMS?? Would you eat  worms for heavens sake....& look at that pole, what are you gonna do with that?? Beat em to death? Oh no, that's not your vehicle?...no,no.

 Lookie here my friend I don't know where your comin from but up here we do things a little different. I know to you fishing is just perch-ing on the bank or flounder-ing about the water just for the halibut, but up here we take our fishing seriously. After all buddy were not fishing for some hairy lipped bottom feeder, no-siree we're

fishin for the vigilant, cagey, shy, alert, wary, guarded, watchful, & cunning trout. You will also find it is quite possible these trout suffer from what we locals call Aspen Shock Syndrome. If you think your gonna waltz down there in dirty levis, & throw that wriggling little wretched worm at em, you've got another think coming.

First of all these fish are fastidious fashion fanatics, so you'll fancy some fresh threads.

Lets start at the top, a proper hat...not a new one mind you, don't want to look like a geek, no, a hat with personality, a hat that looks like its been down the Amazon & the Nile. A hat with stupid little pins, lures, small knives, key chains & dice dangling from it.

Hat with accessories: $ 250.oo

Sunglasses, Ray Ban, Aviator Style, dark green lens, Polarized, wrap around the ears, line around the neck, imitation leather case.

 Sunglasses : 85.OO

Camouflage clothing, NOT Wal-Mart,... Gucci, Ralph Lauren, or LL. Bean at best. Must not frighten fish or fashion conscience cocktail waitress. Shirt & Pants : $175.oo

Vest, khaki only, must have at least 75 small pockets, & 2 dozen large ones. You'll need plenty of straps, buttons, hooks, & loops to hang things...huh? ....just things, man, things!! Fishing Vest: $95.oo

Creel, wicker creels are classic, so are Model Ts. Get yourself a nice canvas, (Khaki to match vest) creel. If your a novice best to buy a fish at McDells Mkt. & rub that sucker all over it. Nothing gives the beginner away like a fresh smelling creel.

Creel & dead 'starter' fish: 75.oo

Hip waders are very hip this year, get dark green to off set khaki. Remember, you can overkill with Khaki, You don't wanna look like a sand worm from desert storm. Also, waders should be waterproof.

Hip-waders, olive (But not drab) green: 150.oo

Landing net, get a big one, webbing a dolphin could swim through, after all you dont keep the small ones. Landing net:$75.oo

Fishing Rod, this bit of equipment will distinguish you from the wanna-be's. Almost an essential part of your outfit. You'll need a 8 foot, 6 weight, graphite with hyphenated combinations. Don't let anyone tell you different. It should be made by someone named Walton Powell or Orvis. It will cost the equivalent of a small country.

Fly-Rod: 300.oo

Reel. Without a reel you can do little more than flog fish. Do not be caught out there with anything less than the Venerable Pflueger Medalist, it could be a real drag. Pflueger Medalist Reel $200.oo

Fly line. Listen buddy, you don't just buy 'fishing line', any more. What your gonna need is Double tapered, floating , 6 weight fly- line, labeled DT6F, made of braided nylon, coated with PVC (polyvinylchloride). You'll want weight-forward WF6F with a 12 foot shooting taper. You'll need some leader, & everyone over the age of 14 months knows silkworm gut is best for this. Line & Leader:$75.oo

Now your gonna need some flies, not those 25 for $1.49 either. Those things resemble road killed parakeets, would you eat one? Nosiree your gonna need exotic little numbers with names like Rabbit Fur Zonkers, & Woolly Buggers. Muddler Minnows, Freshwater Scuds, tied

Down Caddis, & Long Shanked Nymphs. No these are not local social diseases, but be careful about dropping these names in public. Fly names do however make for good pillow talk on long winter nights.

Fly assortment At 2.50 per: $250.oo

OK now, almost ready, just a few miscellaneous items. Small fingernail clippers, large knife, hemostats, & tweezers. Scissors, pliers, needle holders. Fly dressing, line floatant, & thermometer,(For water temp.) You'll want toilet tissues, paper towels, waterproof matches, candy bars, a whistle, a couple of adhesive bandages, small tube of antiseptic & a large flask of peach brandy. Misc total: $200.oo

Vehicle, the recommended mode of transportation to get where the fish actually are is the new Range Rover. However the Toyota Pathfinder is acceptable, half the price, & seeings how your probably only going to do this once, a smarter buy. Pathfinder $20,000.oo  

OK, your ready, comes to 22,105.oo. One other thing, optional of course:  A license.