Gift Ideas

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

                                                                                                            My wife

 Ah Christmas, that epitome of consumer holidays. In case your having a hard time buying for that person that already has everything, here’s a few ideas.

1. Nothing. Here’s an easy one on the pocketbook & a painless gift. Sure to get you remembered by loved ones.

 2. Sing & Snore Elmo. This years most popular toy....is a sad commentary on the American shopping public & worse than nothing. Slightly more obnoxious than it’s older brother ‘Tickle Me,’ & a sure way to end a sticky relationship with anyone.

 3.Dearfoam Slippers. These innovative little items simply pop into your microwave for a couple seconds, then slip onto your feet for hours of warmth. Also makes for a tasty hors d’oeuvre. Available with melted flavored velveta packets.

4. Atomic clock, accurate to ten billionths of a second. Now no excuse for being late for work. Not responsible for hair loss or brain damage.

41/2. Lifetime Gold Membership Alpine Express Pass. This highly prized lifetime pass, good for one season, is practically free after an initial ‘Sign Up Fee’. Ride in style & comfort on pretty good used ‘environmentally safe’ diesel buses with freshly detoxified drivers. Send financial statement & 6 figure deposit to Alpine Express...Riverland.  

5. Silk-epil hair remover. Tired of hot waxing or electrocuting away unwanted hair? Let the Braun Silk-epil remove hair painlessly by ‘pulling it slowly out by the roots.’ Comes with nose hair remover, fingernail bamboo shoot insertion kit, & earplugs

6. For your ‘ample friends’, Bio Diet, with metabolic enhancers that burn away unwanted pounds. Burn away 10 lbs per day with this ‘Scientifically-formulated’ supplement. Not to be taken for extended period.

7. Automated litter box. This handy unit eliminates embarrassing odors by infrared electric eyes that eliminate the problem at it’s source...your cat.

8. Remove unwanted blemishes with the new Negative Ion Blemish Zapper. Zits & blackheads disappear forever. Also works well on unsightly younger brothers.

9. The Ultrafinder, the amazing pocket navigator. Need to find the closest bathroom quick?

This handy system can locate your hotel, your home & the best BBQ around. Smaller than a soapdish, but smarter than you’ll ever be.

10.The Child Guardian. Pin tiny ‘Guardian’ on child or untrustworthy husband. When home based button is pressed shrieking alarm will immediately locate wandering scalawag.

11.Tan-Through Swim suit. Amazing fabric eliminates tan lines by letting sun penetrate the weave, yet remains solid cover to human eyes.

12.3D glasses. Look like regular Ray Bans yet see right through Tan -Through fabric.

13.C-Phone Home. Now you can see the person your talking with on the phone. Say your lounging about watching Baywatch, when suddenly the phone rings & your mothers face appears on the TV suprized to find you in your Bo-Peep outfit.

14. Browning M1919A4 U.S. Military issue Machine gun. The real McCoy, shoots 8 rounds per seconds, however has been banned so only the remaining stocks may be sold.

Hurry, only 756,890 remain.

15. Faux Leather Bomber Jacket for your dog. Knit trim around neck & leg holes. Velcro waist band. Comfortable & Stylish. Your mutt will look like he belonged in Aspen.

 16. Quaint Fixer Upper. Imagine the look on your loved ones face when you hand her the half million dollar mortgage on a local crumbling, rat infested, coal bin. Nail belt included.

17. Home Drug Test. Now you can drug test your children in the privacy of your own home. Complete with Billy club & handcuffs to subdue the little nippers & get them to the proper authorities.

18. From Sharper Image, the new desk top lie detector. Now you can privately screen that new date, your wife or those pesky children that refuse the drug test.

19. Talking Globe. Just point to a country & learn more than you ever wanted to about it.

This innovative orb is sure to make a dummy out of your entire lineage.

20.Stupid Question Dictionary. Learn how they get the caffeine out of coffee. How they get the lead in Pencils. Why we itch. Why the holes in Swiss Cheese. Why green olives are in jars & black olives in cans. Absolutely riveting reading.

21. Rubiks Cube. The number one selling puzzle in history. I’m not sure why.

22, Velvet Handcuffs. I’m not sure about these either.

23.The Children’s Mathematics Calendar. Sure to get you a big ‘Favorite Dad of the Season Award’.

231/2. Years Subscription to Chronicle Pilot. Read fascinating Epics such as The Sordid Saga of Saddle Ridge & riveting heartbreaking encounters with homeless trust-funders, written in fair English by semi-sober grade school graduates.

24. Mercedes 500SL Car cover. Drape it over a couple sawhorses & lead your loved one blindfolded to the garage. Imagine her suprize when she finds the actual car absent.

25. Solo Bridge Player. Lonely guy? Now play bridge by yourself, alone, in a closet or on a crowded bus. Optional attachments blows cigarette smoke in your face like real partner.

26. Learn to speak Russian in 30 days with Berlitz subliminal voice tapes. Yes, wake up one morning speaking like a diplomat. Warning! Be extremely cautious about Wanye Newton or The Chipmunks tapes in this machine.

27. Nordic Track Weight Machine. At $999.99 this handsome platinum finish , compact design weight machine makes a great place to hang plants & collect dustballs.

281/2.Your own swivel bar stool at beautiful Kochevars By the Creek. This handsome red nahagahyde imitation brass classic is yours for a year. Belly up to the bar or swivel to your hearts content as toothless locals blow smoke & tales of debauchery at every turn. Your choice of fat boys corner or olive tray overlook.

28. The Autobahn Desk. Strap this handy two tiered desk top into your cars passenger seat. Easy storage for your briefcase & laptop computer. Store your Flip phone & dozens of files in the generous file compartment. Don’t waste another moment at the 4-way stop.

29. Authentic brand new Joe Dimaggio autographed baseball only $299.99.....Hey, isn’t he dead?

30.The Foursome: a handy cigar holder that keeps your stogie high & dry while you tee off. Keeps you from inhaling pesticides, & your smoke from getting soggy. A must.

31. Marsonas Deep Sleep: Let the soothing sounds of nature lull you to sleep. A substantial 5 inch speaker creates uncanny realism. Choose from: Coyotes mating, Frogs, waterfall, train, train wreak, loons, baboons, surf 1,2,& 3, hurricane, New York traffic, or country eve. $149.50 plus sounds.

32. First Defense. The pocket sized non-toxic, non carcinogenic, edible pepper spray. Incapacitates for 45 minutes. Use it on your favorite waiter for easy dine & dash.

33. Rex. 10 inch high 110 volt watchdog sounds like a real Doberman, but eats nothing & doesn’t attack the neighbors cat.....forget it.

34. Lee Irvins Greenhouse Plans. Now you too can erect your own 5000 square foot 4 story Greenhouse in under 6 years by simply following Mr. Irvins step by step instructions on 13 beautifully embossed bar napkins. Comes with in-mud-floor heat & Mexican Burro fountain. Deluxe edition includes sleeping loft, giant cat box, Marijuana’s Cultivators Guide & attachable trailer house.

35. Somewhere between Pet rocks & Horse Poop cigarettes, Beanie Babies rate high on this years Christmas gift lists. These bean stuffed rodents are sure to put a smile on someone’s face...the inventors. 

35. Talking Christmas tree. This 24 inch hot seller is just the ticket for those awkward ‘quiet times’ when friends & family simply run out of conversation. Now you can let the tree take over with witty gems like...”Merry Christmas!”