The reason husbands & wives do not understand each other is because they belong to different sexes.
Dorothy Dix
A wholesome sexual relationship changes with marriage because all of a sudden your sleeping with a relative.
Andrew Ward
An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie
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On a cobble-stoned back street in Buenos Aires the withered hanky-headed Gypsy woman stared at my palm.
"Jew will be married bery soon now." She said, one good eye twinkling.
That was just about the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard, but hey, why not play along?
"And will I have children Madam?"
"Jew will have a fine son, bery bery soon after marriage." She winked.
Oh this was rich, I thought, but smart Gypsies don't exactly give you bad news...not if their looking for a decent tip.
Four months later I was standing in Ice Mountain Jewelry, staring at engagement rings.
"I'm contemplating marriage Brian, guess I'm gonna need a ring."
"Might be a good idea." Said Brian, "Have you met the girl yet?.. I mean it is a girl right?"
"Sure is, a wonderful lass, with a good job. but I'm a little confused about this ring thing. I mean I don't want to spend a fortune on a huge rock & have her not say yes....not that I'm cheap....
"Of course not Church, why not get her a Batman ring down at Wal-mart!"
I ignored him, "On the other hand I don't want her to laugh at some puny rhinestone, I guess what I'm trying to say Brian is would you let me just borrow that fat diamond number there for a couple days? You know, bring it back if she doesn't say yes? I mean she cant keep the ring & say no... can she?
"You don't need a jeweler Church you need a psychiatrist."
About this time Brian's lovely & sensible wife Carol interrupted...
"Lookie here Church, why not get her something medium priced, something like this pretty little yellow sapphire. If she says no, your not out a fortune, if she says yes, this ring will go nicely with the wedding ring."
Brian & I stared at her...."Makes sense." We said.
Vicki was visiting from New York when I decided to pop the question. In black evening gown & rented Tux we nestled into our favorite table at the Bosquet. By the second bottle of wine I had found the nerve & slid the black velvet box across the table. The noise of that tiny box opening caused a deathly quiet in the place as I slurred my offer.
Her brow knitted slightly when she peered inside the tiny case.
"Oh..... it's a... pretty little thing!" She said.
"It's nothing really, an armored car is bringing the family heirloom as we speak.."
The dinner crowd & myself waited in uncomfortable silence staring at Vicki.
"WELL?" I finally squeaked.
"Yes, " She finally said as the crowd breathed a sigh of relief, "I'll think about it."
The crowd averted their eyes.
Jerry D. our waiter approached the table. "Congratulations you two, let me see the ring." Jerry peered in the box....
"Oh." he said.
"Lookit Jerry, a fleet of state police are bringing the family jewels as we speak...."
From the Bosquet, we visited Garcia's Idle Spur & relayed the happy news to Gary.
"Let me see the ring!'" He said & peeked in the box.
"Gary, a Brinks truck & fleet of police are bringing the actual wedding ring as we speak...."
"Vicki, I'd wait to see if your finger turns green before I accepted any proposals." said Garcia.
Let us examine this thing called Marriage. According to Webster, Marriage, (a page over from margarita) is :a mutual relation of husband & wife.
What a romantic that Webster is.
In the Encyclopedia Americana, Marriage is: A more or less durable union between husbands & wives, sanctioned by society and lasting until after the birth & rearing of offspring.
Well now that's pretty encouraging, hey?
Or as defined by Mae West: Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Or by George Burns: I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury.
With all this negative publicity one has to wonder what prompts folks to marry in the first place. Well according to the scientific guys we can trace the origin of marriage to the 'pairing arrangements of animals below man.'
Studies reveal that a 'more or less' permanent association between one or more males & one or more females, (do not try this at home) is common among birds & higher (meaning smarter?) mammals.
As we all know geese mate for life, as do chimpanzees, however chimps being a higher form also get it on with every other chimp in the troop.
So we must figure that the primary function of marriage in humans is to regulate relations between the sexes.
Bummer.
We do this , according to the scientific guys, to create a secure situation in which children can be reared.
Ahhhh...
Now, there are three types or forms of marriage available. They are Polygyny, Polyandry, and Monogamy.
Polygyny or Polygamy dates back to the early Chinese & involves one husband & numerous wives. The practice appears in numerous cultures generally depending on whether & when the husband could actually afford more than one wife...a form of marriage, since the Visa card, not readily practiced today.
The Blackfeet Indians practiced Polygamy, as more wives could chew more buffalo skins, and with the obvious lack of buffalo around these days one must admit those Blackfeet girls were pretty proficient.....
Polyandry as we all know is the obviously perverted & rarely practiced union of one woman & several men. Only found in the high mountains of Tibet & one secluded Caribbean Isle, (Read Steve Church's highly acclaimed THE ISLAND OF RULING WOMEN) polyandry never-the-less has been observed in ski-towns throughout the Rockies.
The most prevalent & boring of all forms of marriage is obviously Monogamy....or the union of one man & one woman.....yawn...
The reason being for this rather dull relationship is obvious. The number of males & females in any given society is relativity equal, according to the scientific guys. Of course there also may be another reason....SEX!!...which may have been over-looked by the scientists but seems to work especially well in this type of union.
So, Vicki & I decided on a Monogamous marriage, & the next decision to be made would be the ceremony.
An average wedding in the U.S. costs $30,000.oo, so it is the grooms first responsibility to talk his future wife into a much, much lower than average wedding, without seeming cheap.
Even if this means doing away with the strippers & Girl in the Cake one must cut corners everywhere in order to bring the wedding ceremony in at say...$30.oo.
This of course would eliminate all family, friends, flowers, food, or other un-necessary fal-de-ra. This of course would eliminate such ridiculous frivolities as a wedding dress, a cake, a Tux, flower girls, ring bearers & the best man.
In fact the only real expense one need spring for is A. the license & B. The Judge. & both can be had for around 25 bucks.
So what girl in her right mind would want this very special of all days reduced from a $30,000.oo party to a couple of stern sentences read aloud in the courthouse.
A girl who had just spent 8 months under 50 feet of snow at lake Irwin & would have married Hannible Lector to take a Mexican Honeymoon.
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