Physic Fare

 

         There is a perfectly good explanation for the meaning of life,

 unfortunately no one knows what it is.     Dad

 

        Kiss my  Aura, Dora.

                                           Frank Zappa  

 

   I ran into Reaman at the post office the other day....uncanny really, I mean in this town you think of somebody, kazam, you run into them at the post office....spooky...

  "Hey Church!" sez Reaman, "I want you to cover the Physic Fair for the paper!"

  "What, are you nut's chief!" I'm about as physic as a soap dish, I've got a nice life now, wife, kid, I don't need some crystal packin mama sticking pins in my voodoo doll. Nosirreee boss I'm not wakin up with goats feet, my bed jumpin round like a flea on a skillet. In the words of Dave Barry, Reaman, I'd rather walk on my lips through the sewer plant than go to that convention of soothsayers.....

 "I'll pay ya." said Reaman.

 "When is it again?"

 

 Now as I've stated before, I don't have a physic cell in my composition. Other than once at a Grateful Dead concert watching Jesus & Elvis toss a Frisbee about for a couple hours, I haven't had one 'abnormal' experience....well, other than that green glowing orb that bounced off my windshield one night on my way home from Kochevars. Henrietta explained later that it was just an alien probe, not to worry, everybody had seen those, even Cox & Romer, although they wouldn't admit it.

 However, even I realize that there are more than a tip jar full of folks that do believe in the 'para-normal' (not-normal). For instance, if I have my facts right, we find that hundreds of years ago a fellow by the name of Nostradomus predicted that the winter of 1996-97 would be a harsh one, a forecast that would have saved Ethan at the Alpineer a lot of investigative work. Jeane Dixon in 1956 predicted John Kennedy's assination years later. But she also said the Russians would beat us to the moon....wrong..... Police around the country use psychics with occasional uncanny results. Wall street investment firms use psychics with occasional uncanny results. My dog 'the sofa' can predict trash day with very uncanny results. Some people just plain believe this stuff. ...even my own wife won't leave the house if over half her Cherrios sink....  so just in case there is something to all this psychic para-normal stuff I've decided to keep my options open.

Besides, I was getting paid...an 'abnormal' event in itself.

 

 Now strangely enough, the morning of the fair, I did feel a bit uneasy. Like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, I was flat nervous. As Vicki, Christo & I approached the town hall it felt more like a trip to the dentist than to a 'fair'. I tried to examine the problem. Was I actually afraid to find out some dark brooding secret that was just boiling like old faithful ready to spew forth the true psychotic, drooling self.  Would a past life of murder & mayhem be reviled. Was I actually a 14 year old Hungarian hermaphrodite gymnast, instead of a overweight contractor?

 At the top of the stairs on a table smothered with brochures, my fears were realized.

                        THE DESCENT TO THE DARK MOTHER

                               Embracing The Feminine Shadow

 Now it's true, women have always made me just the tiniest bit uneasy & as a male I cannot even pretend to comprehend a nanosecond of female thought, but right here in front of my eyes my horrors were confirmed.

        'Journey with us into the depths of our dark places and reclaim the

         power hidden in the repressed shadow-side of ourselves......'

  I knew it...just as I suspected. The brochure went on....

         "We shall invoke the myth of Inanna, solicit her protection & celebrate       

          the merging of the Dark Mother & the Light Queen, emerging whole.'

 Whoa...

     Taught by Jyoti Wind , astrologer, writer, mother, student of Hakomi psychotherapy & wise-woman priestess in the calling of the Divine Feminine.'

 

 Am I missing something here?  Could I as a male possibly ever even comprehend what was going on here? Would it be possible for me to gather a few of the boys from Kocvevars, call  Ms. Wind, and book an appointment to "descend into the depths of hell & embrace Erishigal, the Dark Mother, & emerge whole?" ......could we bring beer?

 

I shuddered....I shudder still as I write this in fear of retaliation....

 

I glanced over the other pamphlets :

Shamanic Studies: Rattle & Drum Workshop

Soul Level Portraits: 'I connect with your soul colors by hearing your voice.'

Metaphysical & Spiritual Advisor: Who couldn't use that?

Certified Rebirther: Sounded painful.

Touch healing, Aura Drawings, Aura Balancing, Aura Readings....

I wasn't even totally sure I knew what an Aura was & here was a half a dozen people making a living just tuning Auras' up.

 In fact I was beginning to feel incredibly stupid...even more than usual...

How could I have gotten this far in life without some good old fashioned Certified Therapeutic Touch, or some Psychometry with a dash of Iridology.

Wasn't it time for a little Soul Retrieval? I couldn't even remember where I'd left mine.

   I paid the two dollar cover  without a qualm...after all if you can get your soul retrieved & back where it belongs for 2 bucks...I say good deal.    

 

 Now let me clear up a few misconceptions before we go any farther.

 Animal Medicine Cards are not used by puzzled veterinarians.

 Channeling  has nothing to do with raising catfish.

Reiki is not a sushi at Lil's.

Aura balancing has nothing to do with a loose toilet seat.

And Tarot Cards are not made from vegetables.

So with open mind & nervous indigestion I attended the 12 annual Psychic Fair.

 

 New age music played softly...you know the kind, whales mating to flutes. Heidi Coe DuVal From Crystal Earth had a nice collection of crystals, sage, incense & how to books to help you on your way to enlightenment.

"Don't bother Church." She smiled.

 

Tables were arraigned around the outside wall, 'physic' people sat conversing with what I assumed were 'wanna be physic' people. I approached a table labeled Channeling.

 "I'd like to speak with Harry Hodini." I asked.

"Well I can't exactly do that ." She smiled. That is not quite Channeling."

 "Well thanks anyway." I felt like the village idiot, but moved on to the Conner sisters.  "Hey Cheryl, what's this auric field all about?"

  She moved close, placed her hand about an inch away from the left side of my face, closed her eyes & said. " Do you feel it?"

 "Uhhh...no."

 She moved closer, put her hand close to the right side of my face, "Do you feel this?"

 "Uhhh...no."

 She stepped back a little closed her fist & drew back into what looked like the beginnings of a roundhouse right hook.

"Close your eyes Church."

 "Hey Cheryl, mabey I'll look around a bit more..."

 

 "Whoa, Lookit this guy." Vicki whispered & pulled me to the realm of one Brian McCarthy PHD  Metaphysical Advisor.

 He looked to be a cross between Merlin & Jerry Garcia, somewhere between 40 to 100 years old. His eyes were a friendly piercing ,warmish cold, blue green. He looked right at us and said...

 "Sit down.".....  It was the first thing I had understood since entering.

 "You first.' I pushed Vicki into the chair.

 "I'd like a reading." rolled off her tongue like she'd said it a thousand times. Must come as natural to women as passing wind to men  I thought, & took a seat within earshot.

  Brian stared into her eyes, had her place her hands on the table, studied them & said:

 You have a repressed side ....You seek adventure."

 "WHAT!" WELL NO S---T SHERLOCK! HERE'S HER FAT HUSBAND & SNOT-NOSED KID SITTING 3 FEET AWAY  & YOUR ABLE TO TELL SHE'S REPRESSSESD!!! HERE'S A WOMAN THAT HAS CHANGED SOMEWHERE AROUND 2000 DIAPERS IN TWO YEARS & SHE SEEKS ADVENTURE?  NO!!!  DUH!! SAY IT ISN'T SO!!

 Vicki turned slowly & gave me the old (I'm leaving to hitch-hike across India & find my inner-self) look.

 GREAT JUST GREAT!

 Watch after Christo, wash your own underwear, for say...two years...she continued to stare...

 Women Who Run With The Credit Cards. I thought.

 I released the kid to wreak havoc on the place & stumbled over to Sky Pilots Juice Bar & Massage Emporium.

 "Gimmee the works!" I pleaded.

 Kevin placed a fresh chilled tangerine juice in my hand , gently lay me face down, & very professionally proceeded to beat the be-jesus out of me.

In 15 minuets Kevin pummeled me into a new man.

 I suddenly felt wonderful. Like a kid again.....a kid!  My eyes fell on my son, under Heidi's objects of enlightenment table, pounding on someone's cat with a foot long crystal incense burner.

 "This guy is amazing!" My wife was pulling me back toward Brians' table.

 "Sit" he said.

 So I did.

 He stared at me ....I stared at him...I felt like I had known this guy longer than I had known myself.

 "Could you tell me something about the future Brian?" I asked . "Like Am I ever gonna win that lottery or what....

 "You make your future." He said "You direct your energy in the way you want to go."

 Well that certainly made sense.

 "You are a Gemini." He continued," an air sign, you live in your head. Thoughts bounce around in there without ever being put to use. You must let out the passion & put those thoughts to use..."

" Yes Yes Yes!"It was so true... Thought's did bounce around in my head like ping pong balls in a hurricane! It was  true...but how did he know? I was almost immediately blubbering to him like a baby....spilling my guts to a perfect stranger, I was literally pouring my heart out to this calm hairy figure like I'd known him from birth. Very messy stuff.

Vicki was looking uncomfortably around the room for possible eavesdroppers.

 "You are preoccupied with supporting your family but you've lost yourself...

 YES, YES, YES!" tears were distorting my vision...

"Do you like to write?" asked Brian out of the blue.

  That was it, I collapsed like a Hong Kong suitcase. "YES I love to write " I stammered. My God the guy could see through me like a screen door. Sky Pilot had shaped a new physical me now this guy was rebuilding the spiritual me . As far as my mental rebirth I could take care of that later over at Kochevars...this was GREAT! I was a new man....

 "THEN WRITE!" He howled.

 "YES YES!"I Howled back.

 "But you must write for yourself....to hell what other people think. "WRITE WHAT YOU WANNA WRITE!"

 

 So I did.

 

 And you know something else? I'll be the first one in line for the 13th annual Psychic Fair.