The Most Beautiful Beach in the World

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BEACH IN THE WORLD

 

Woke up this mornin with a brand new tatoo,

How it got there I havent a clue.

                               Jimmy Buffet

 

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, & rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

                                 Johnny Carson

 

I stared with horror into the mirror....my mustache was gone....somewhere last night I had lost my mustache....I had been growing that mustache since that first doctor had slapped me....I looked like a 200 lb muskrat without it.

Vicki was groaning in the hammock:

"I've been poisoned...that fish we had for dinner poisoned me..."

"We had dinner?"

"You don't remember dinner? Then you probably don't remember pouring dessert over my head..."

"Really!  What was dessert?" I asked

"Warm Crem Brule."

"Did you shave my mustache off for that Vicki?"

She smiled & went back to groaning.

 

20 years earlier, I had been in the same vicinity with Smilin Mike Pilert, spending 2 weeks on the laid back island of Isla Mujers. At that time while killing a drowsy, palm-shaded afternoon, an ancient fisherman had ventured this bit of information.

"Sonny!, If you think Isla Mujers is beautiful you are right, however, the most beautiful beach in the world, & Ive been everywhere, is south of Cancun a place called Chemuyil. This is the most beautiful beach in the world my son."

Smilin Mike & I figured there could not possibly be a better place than the 'Island Of Women', we figured the old man was surely a taco short of a combination plate & consequently never made it to Chemuyil.

Now 20 years later we were back, Vicki B & myself on assignment for the CB Chronicle. We were to find The Most Beautiful Beach In The World....tough duty.

We had been staying for 3 days now in the bohemian beach side town of Playa Del Carmen, kinda a Mexican Crested Butte it was hard to pull ones self away. 'Never leave one good time for another,' I had always been told... but duty called, we loaded the VW & headed south...but not before a stop at the pharmacy.

"I love Mexican pharmacies," I was telling Vicki, "Why you can get drugs in here they haven't even tried on horses! " Fix you right up!"

 "Oh great." she groaned.

We entered, a 12 year old schoolgirl was behind the counter.

"She's not gonna know what to give me." said Vicki.

"Don't kid yourself." I told her, & started explaining Vicki's stomach problems to the kid. The little girl nodded gravely, went to a shelf & pulled down a small box. She handed it to me & said two words: "Muy Fuerte." Very Strong.

 Vicki swallowed one of the tiny blue pills on the spot, we thanked the child & headed south. 10 minutes later her stomach ache was gone....15 minutes later, Vicki was gone.

 Passed out colder than a mackerel she was, head rolling about her shoulders like a dashboard dog. I strapped her upright, & tore south on highway 307.

'Snorkel Down An Underground River!" a sign read. Now why in the world would you do that? I wondered,  'Have Your Pitcher Taken On A Live Burro!!" Said another. Just what kind of idea do these people have of us Americans. Do they actually think I would pay to have my picture taken on an ass.....I hit the brakes....a speeding bus a foot & a half from my rear bumper lay on his air horn. It was a startling sound at that distance, even the comatose Vicki snorted at the blast. I decided to forgo the 'Pitcher.'

"Calacocos", a private beach & 'primitive' resort, we passed, then Paamul, a quarter moon strip of sand, then Yalku with its gin clear lagoon.

This 100 km stretch of horrifying Mexican highway runs south of Cancun, nasty scrub jungle to the right, nasty scrub jungle to the left-interminably sliced by a dirt road leading to an unseen beach. These driveways will be labeled with various free form signs to lure the tourists from 307. The problem being, your in a vintage VW bug rental car going 150 kilometers per hour with a smoke-belching tour bus 2 feet from your front bumper, & another 2 feet

from your rear bumper. No one stops on this highway. Mabey you'll remember, two years ago someone stopped...45 people killed, immediately....half of them Americans. You plan an exit off this road the night before, you go over it a hundred times in your head, then pray.

Finally, a sign of some substance came into view, Chemuyil, 'The Most Beautiful Beach Around the World.' "CLOSE ENOUGH!!" I shot the Hertz past on oncoming Maya Tours bus & entered the driveway at 150 kilometers per hour. Not having any actual brake shoes, only metal on metal the car came to an surprisingly quick, if not ear splitting stop....welding the wheels solid. We slid to a dusty halt near the entrance gate. An ancient Campasino wanted 3.oo U.S. to get in. Seemed fair for the most beautiful beach 'around' the world. I abandoned the immobilized Hertz & walked to the deserted beach, a couple of bygone bamboo shacks leaned against each other like old drunks, a white sand beach circled the small cove. What was wrong with this picture...then I had it, everything was dead. What, at one time was a profusion of palms & flowers had now been devastated by palm disease & hurricane Gilbert. A graveyard of blackened stumps gave the beach that Beirut look.I returned to the car, propping Vicki upright, I cracked the window for her, then hiked out to the only remaining palm on the beach...I stood staring out to sea. Suddenly....I was not alone. Suddenly there appeared at my side a small dark man. He was saying nothing, also staring out to sea. He was dressed in white...he had a tray in his hand...  a waiter...I'm pretty quick about things like this, but where in the world had he come from??

Which brings us to another strong plus about travel in Mexico, if you stand still for 5 minutes anywhere in Mexico, a waiter will appear.

"May I get you a cold drink, senor?? He smiled.

"What a question amigo....what's your name?"

"Angel." He said...I swear.

Angel streaked of into the jungle, returning with two chairs, a table, two frozen margaritas & a bowl of guacamole. He assembled it all under the only tree on the beach. We then trudged to the VW to retrieve Vicki, each taking an arm we drug her, like a crash test dummy, heels making little furrows in the sand, to the palm. We propped her upright in a chair, wrapped her fingers around a margarita, & experimented with different headgear for her, finally

settling on a ratty sombrero . She was mumbling now, sounded like a brain surgery patient waking up.

Angel stared at her compassionately," Que Paso?" He said.

"Stomach pill." I said

"Small, blue ones?" He said

"Correcto mundo, amigo" Apparently this cure was well known.

"Muy fuerte." Angel understated.

I sat starring out to sea, slurping those frozen green concoctions, watching a 30,000 foot high wall of clouds rolling towards me. Clouds? It was getting dark, before its time...it was getting windy. That is exactly why I had purchased the New Eureka, two man, dome tent for this trip, which I now retrieved & attempted to erect in the gale force winds. A feat not unlike assembling a hang-glider in a hurricane. Finally it stood, I drug Vicki inside to hold the shaking structure on the ground. Angel returned, marveled at this

epileptic edifice, & said those three horrifying words..."The bar is closing."

 "WHAT!! ITS ONLY 5:00!! This was bad news, I ordered a half dozen more margaritas. We were left alone on the most beautiful beach around the world.

It got extremely dark, it got violently windy, you couldn't hear yourself think in the flapping tent...I didn't care, I was slipping into a margarita induced sleep, when I passed Vicki coming out of the stomach pill haze. Two ships passing in the night. "Do we need a rain fly?" She mumbled.

"Don't, be ridiculous, this is Mexico." I assured her & dozed off.

Suddenly, I woke, it was 3;00 in the morning. It was raining in the tent. The Eureka was flapping violently, creating a din not unlike a AC DC concert. We were being sandblasted through the mesh roof, sand in our teeth, sand grinding our eyes red.

Vicki sat like Buddha in the center of this holocaust, starring at me, as one might gaze upon a poisonous spider.

"GREAT HUH??" I screamed in her ear.

She bared her teeth...

"LETS BREAK FOR THE CAR!!!"

We spent the rest of the night sitting upright in the tiny bug, sand-blasted & soaked.. & not speaking. At daybreak we were able to free up the frozen wheels using a large boulder as a 'tapping device.'  We then departed 'The Most Beautiful Beach Around The World.'

Two days later someone smashed the window out of the VW & stole my new Eureka 2-man Dome tent.

I'm convinced Vicki was behind the robbery.